Promise | Jimin x Jeongyeon

I. 증오

I have to admit, I wanted to hate him when I first met him. Something about his cheeky and childlike expression really put me off. Although, I have to say I didn't really give out a good impression as well, especially with my overbearing demeanor. So it was obvious from the get go that there were going to be some friction between us, well... more or less friction onto myself caused by him. Nevertheless, my relationship with him entailed some ambiguity and passion, which now that I think about it is a literal trail mix. It's gross sometimes with raisins and most of the time you're really digging for the chocolate in there, but you sort of just keep on looking for chocolate instead of eating the nuts in-between. By then you'd just be left with the boring and gross stuff that you either eat through but lose complete enjoyment from, or to just stop eating it completely.

—

I remember attending Music Core, and my group-mates and I were set to react to our own performance for a livestream. Right before we could watch, there was an intermission interview with Jimin and Suga. We had nothing else to do but to watch as we sat uncomfortably together in one couch. Now what Jimin did would be considered cute by most people, and it showed with my group-mates giggling away. I would've done the same like with the others if it were someone else, but I cringed seeing him pull down his jacket to reveal a taped paper heart on his tank top. It annoyed me seeing him do that. Like how desperate was he just to get a few giggles and screams from his fans? I had to shrug it off there for now, but I knew I had to be petty the next time I see him.

Fast forward to the next year, it was the Music Bank event. Our group had been pressed to do a quick interview for the show and we were paired with another group, and low and behold, it was BTS, and the little conniving brat inside of me was eager to give Jimin the taste of his own medicine. When his group was asked to quickly sing their comeback song, "Spring Day", I thought it best to lazily ad-lib their chorus to throw off whatever harmony they had. Surprisingly enough... it worked. Right before I could look down to hold in my laughter, I caught a glimpse of Jimin awkwardly turning towards me. My petty victory really got across and I was proud to say I had no shame in doing it... until I look back at it now.

From that event, I thought my little one-sided squabble with Jimin would be over, but it became apparent when the other members of Twice had to call me out on my obvious intentions. They teased me for having a supposed fling for Jimin, and that it became more and more prevalent since Idol Star, where I was caught making googly eyes in his direction. Of course, I denied this by calling the guy "too flowery", but even then I was too late, it became recurring for the members to poke fun at me about it. Whatever pride I had left crumbled down and formed itself to an embarrassed eggshell. The members loved playing music and it became a BTS fueled weapon to spite me. I'd often argue to change the music or to turn it off, but they would always ignore me and raise the volume every time. To make matters worse, they exploited my embarrassment in a Vlive promoting Twiceland. As soon as "Dope" started playing, I tried escaping offscreen just to avoid embarrassment, but I fell through in a struggle with my managers who were pushing me to go back and stay for the broadcast.

It seemed then that I could never escape from this. Nearly almost everyday that I'm teased about it, only for it to burn up my ears and crumble myself down into a cocoon just to hide away from the teasing. In my case, I had to just smile and laugh along with them to show that I'm not fazed by it in the slightest, but in truth deep down inside I was holding in the embarrassed feelings I have. Everything from the start turned against me to present itself as a cringe inducing reminder of my interactions. I was pinned down, having to be forced fed with Jimin this and Jimin that. The more I hear from the name ignited this bitter resentment that I couldn't even hide. It's worse when the fans picked up on it faster than I thought it would be, and had it circulate amongst themselves as a running inside joke.

Now you may think just from my overall overview of the situation, I have this closeted obsession with Jimin, but I can assure you that I am merely a victim of circumstance that was set up to be this way. This whole personal dilemma from the start was small and negligible however now I can't go online and google myself without having stacks of fan-sites with articles and threads labeled "What's going on between Jeongyeon and Jimin". I pray every night he doesn't see them too, though I doubt he'll even find it through the abundance of gay fan fiction of him and his bandmates. Of all the people in the industry, why did it fall to me? The one person whose group role is to appeal to the female demographic so our fanbase wouldn't be solely be a sausage fest.

My situation may be laughable as it is, but it is assuring to know that I braced for whatever dumb "BangTwice" none-sense comes my way. I was strong to deny them then and some of it still lingers. However, like most people... feelings change, and reflecting on this really made me cringe in how much of a stupid child I was. A child that is enticing a conflict that was completely non-existent— a self-inflicted conflict at that. I should've walked away from it all and just hide for weeks, but... as an idol, I belong to a community that is smaller and tightly knit then it looks. With a community like that and an added mixture of my not-so-obvious interaction with Jimin, it is bound to leak amongst other idols.