Final Truth

Chapter 80: Shadows

Julia's point of view:

There is darkness around us.

It stretches across the walls of my house, hides in faraway corners, clouds my mind, takes root in my heart and chases away what little light I managed to take back for myself.

I could scream at the unfairness of it all.

I was getting better.

I took time away from Peter to collect myself, to try to sort things out and move past the horror.

I made progress, too.

I stopped sleeping on the floor and managed to keep the temperature of my house above freezing. I stopped using my powers to induce sleep. I managed to pull myself into some semblance of a functioning person that I thought I would be okay around Peter again.

But now I'm back to square one, regressed all the way to the beginning after the events of a single afternoon. Worst of all is that I don't know what I could've done differently. Peter knew I was lying to him about his past, so me trying to convince him otherwise wouldn't have helped the situation. I shouldn't have tried to walk him home, shouldn't have told myself I was ready for this.

Me, me, me.

That's all I can ever seem to think about, and I hate myself all the more for it knowing Peter's probably in more turmoil than I can imagine. He has nothing, no memories to learn from and no one who can tell him the truth about his past. Looking back, I find myself wondering if wiping his mind truly was better than the alternative...

I groan and curl into my couch, screwing my eyes shut as the shadows around me loom larger with each bad thought.

"I don't know what to do."

Cassia and Susan are with me, and I can feel their worried gazes like pinpricks in my back.

"It's going to be alright," Cassia tries, although she sounds like she's trying to convince herself of those words more than anything else. "Adam and Cade are with Peter right now, and they said they would try to do some damage control."

"Damage that I caused."

"You said it yourself: it's not like you would've been able to convince Peter otherwise if he knew you were lying," Susan says.

"But don't you see?" I ask desperately, sitting up to look at them. "This isn't...I shouldn't have done this. I thought I was giving him a restart on life by taking away his memories, but he's miserable and confused. He can't trust anyone because we can't risk telling him the truth about anything. If I could go back in time and give myself the strength to leave him in that prison, I would. I don't think this is what he would've wanted if he understood what it cost him."

The darkness around me gets thicker, heavier, closing in on us and crawling up my spine. How do they not feel it, not see it? It's going to suffocate us all.

"Julia, you know you wouldn't have been able to leave him there. You did what you thought was best," Cassia counters.

"What I think is best never ends up panning out. I was selfish to do that to him, and if I could take it back, I would," I protest, bringing my hands into my hair and starting to pull.

"Don't do that!" They both tell me, coming forward to gently pry my hands away.

My heart is pounding and my eyes sting, the shadows tunneling out my vision as my breath becomes shallow.

"Can...can one of you please turn the lights on?" I plead.

"They are on," someone says, although the voice becomes garbled to the point where I can't tell who said it.