A Second Chance at First Love- Ethically Charged Essay

I was in my ninth grade English class, on a Wednesday, when Tanner texted me. It started with a simple "Hey", but then when he sent "I have to tell you something", I was interrupted. Mrs. Padden noticed my unexpected smile and called my phone forward. I flipped it shut, walked to her desk and handed her my phone. I still had two more classes with her, three hours in that dark and freezing classroom to see what he had to say.

I remembered how Tanner held my hand and let me fall asleep on his lap when we would ride the bus home. I remembered, how when summer finally began, he would hold me by the stream that ran by his mother's flower garden. And then I remembered how he broke my heart after I dared to say "I love you." Of course it was over two months before, but that did not make it hurt any less. Then I remembered Joran.

I met Joran through my best friend Ravyn, his cousin, before his affections towards me became known. We always got along because of our nerdiness, we were both heavily intrigued in Tolkien's famous trilogy and a series of Elder Scrolls video games; but I was never too fond of him, until he began comforting me, after heartbreak. One day Ravyn, the cousin-friend, informed me of his feelings and I thought 'Maybe he's the one and Tanner was only a memory'. I said yes, two sundays before this. But still, those three hours were the longest I waited in those three classes.

I then remembered where Tanner was at that very moment. He was in a cramped hospital bed, tubes feeding him Oxygen through his nose. I spent the previous Thursday with him, as friends with two others, and on the Sunday between, Tanner had the worst asthma attack of his life. He was in the Hospital for nine days, but this day was only his fourth.

I replied with an apology the instant lunch began, however he took a few minutes to reply; enough time to sit with an old friend, Riley, on the dying grass in front of the prison-like red school building. Tanner replied. I was shocked and confused. Riley needed to use the bathroom so I attended to gather some input. As she washed her hands in the lightless bathroom, I read her the message and she had no answer for me either.

"I miss you terribly and ever since I broke up with you it feels like I'm empty. And now that you're with another guy I don't know how I can keep living empty. Like the other day, when we were with each other again, was the happiest I've been in a long while. I realized, when I almost died last sunday, that you're my everything and that I'm an idiot for letting someone so precious to my heart go. I just wanted to let you know that I'll always be here for you, and I would do anything to be back together with u, and I'll wait years if I have to."

After returning to the grass, I simply explained how I felt, trying to get over him and still hurting just as much. I told him how happy I was about his sudden outburst but that my feelings about loyalty, honesty and faithfulness would keep me from hurting Joran. I then asked him if he truly wanted me back, his reply was simple, yet astonishing. "Well I do and now just I don't know what to do with myself because, I know I've never said it before, but I love you and I always will." My heart melted into his palms for a second time, but I couldn't just break Joran's heart like it was nothing.

I still told Tanner that I still loved him, but I still had this feeling of guilt rotting in the pit of my stomach. "I didn't think I was ever going to find anyone that made me feel the way you make me feel, and our time apart just proved that you're my everything." In that very moment, he made me feel the same way I felt the day he told me his feelings for the first time.

I spent the rest of the school day fighting with myself inside my head, figuring out how I can be with my first love again without going against my beliefs for relationships. The only way to get through this without cheating on Joran or leading Tanner on to fast was to break up with Joran before the next time I saw Tanner.

I went to Ravyn's cold, forested house and told her what was going on, expecting her to be angry for hurting Joran. Instead, she encouraged me with excitement, knowing my true feelings. Doing the dirty deed that still pained my stomach was no less dreaded.

It didn't happen for a couple days, but when Tanner was mine again, I knew I made the best decision of my life, so far.