Tears Of Hope

Beep, beep, beep

Eyes flutter open. Stomach jiggling and slam the alarm as hard as my slow and tired hand could manage. Sheets dramatically plunk to the cold wooden floor in a heap. Step after step was a hassle as I dragged my body to the mirror, tears started swelling in my clouded eyes and my nose scrunched up as I stared at my reflection. Eyes dropped down to my dark red t-shirt and size 12 jeans. Maybe they were right. I would never be like those girls in magazines, so skinny, drop dead gorgeous. I would never be good enough.

Fat bulging out of my skinny jeans, wrapped my stomach as if it would stop my rolls from showing. I left the only sanctuary I had left, the 16 by 16 Johnny Depp poster hanging crookedly above my dark, unmade bed. California High was my hell and making it out was my heaven. I walked into the old hallway with my head hanging low, crescent scars formed around my waist as I clung to my skin, shuffle, shuffle as I avoided the madness rummaging around me, screams and shouts, alarm bells ringing, beep, beep, beep. Don't fall. Don't make scene. Scattered thoughts, mind a mess, one foot in front of the other. Books flying, pages floated in the healing wind behind me. Hair went up and bottom down. Scrapes and cuts along my thighs as the faded floorboards creaked beneath. Blood started to ooze out of my already sweaty palms as my nails dug harder and my breath wavered unsteadily. Laughs and snickers from above. All glaring down from me now. Phone lit up.social media comments coming through

'fatty paddy'

'ugly'

'outcast'

No one came. Not one person walking down that gloomy that gloomy hall, even glanced in sympathy. I was the laughing stock. Again

Knees locking into place, fist clenched, palms sweating, my body wouldn't hold. I couldn't trust my own two feet to pull my weight and get me standing up again, let alone the heart pounding in my chest to release my thoughts that are swirling like a hurricane, slamming against the Atlantic ice, never to break through.i didn't want to be 'fatty paddy' anymore. With one last jagged slice across my wrist, a deep breath in. i stumbled to my target. The office. My hand dropped down below my waist. Head down, shoulders forward, one step after the other, to the office 20 feet ahead. It was not that far, in reality. Barging through the crowd with my shoulder, fingers pointing while they laughed an went click, click, click with their phones, photos scrambled through the air, thoughts bubbling to the surface, but do not dare to speak. Keep it in, not a word as my face went red and head dropped just a little further, gravity pulling, hard and heavy as my breath filled my cheeks and tumbled straight out in a soft blow.

The population started to dwindle and usually over crowded hallway almost faded to nothing as the scratchingly loud bell signalled as the last warning before our next class. My chest grew wider as my eyes shon a little brighter when I bumped into that big black door. The office. The door wiggled opened and slammed in a gust behind me. The words I wanted to say didn't come out as I talked more and more gibberish, my mouth didn't want to move my tongue got caught in a knot. Colour drained from red to white. Hanging onto the office desk, blood drew from my lip, teeth marks sinking even deeper as I tried to steady my weight, control my breathing. I sat up, back against the wall. shouts and screams. I couldn't figure out the muffled voices as my eyes began to work. She was right in front me. Glaring, judging. Mom

The whole strip of road home was tense. We sat in silence, not a word nor a peep. It was simple. She didn't know what to say to me. No-one ever knew what to say to me. I was an outcast. A freak. The car bumped and jerked as we went over pothole after pothole, the road was awful to say the least. Outside the tinted window, kangaroos bounced wildly through the rugged landscape, they were free. The odd thick tree popped up every now and then looking out of sorts and out of place. The car slowed down going up the old rusty driveway of the place I used to call home. It looked exactly the same as I stepped out of the car. Mum was about to speak when I stormed in and up the creaky staircase to the petal designed wooden door and slammed it behind me. With a heavy heart I looked around, nothing at all, I guess this wasn't my old room anymore. With a heavy thud I plunked onto the bed arms outstretched, heart sinking in. Tears welled up but nothing dripped as I've shed too much already.

My reflection stared back at me. Not a word to be said as I lifted my shirt and ran my hand over the slight rolls and stretch marks that looked like train tracks running down my thighs. Breathing in, taking in my stomach as well. My thighs bulging out of my size 12 jeans wondering I I could drop down a size without being called a slut or a whore. Would I be slut shamed over social media for the whole world to judge and see. All my weight went on the wall, hands running through my long thick hair. Weight crashing to the floor, arms wrapped around my knees as I rocked back and fourth, without a word. The silent sobs came rushing down as my nose ran and my thighs and palms began to sweat. Am I ugly? Am I fat?