My heart is racing and pounding. My mind is racing 1,000 miles and hour playing the situation over and over in my head. What the hell do I do. Why did I do this? Well for starters, let's go back to how I got here.
October 16th of 2017, I started dating this girl named Kenzie or Kenzy or however she wants it. I used to flirt with her by bringing her Monster Ultras every morning before classes started. Don't ask why that is how I flirt, because I have no idea why. The relationship was good for a while, but then things went south. My anger flared up because of how my mother felt and acted upon me being in a homosexual relationship. She yelled at me and grabbed me and I ended up in rogers memorial hospital, which is a mental institution where you can go get help. I started off in the day program hich was like 3-4 hours a day. What sucked was I couldn't have my phone on me for those few hours. BUT, I did learn a lot of skills to help with my depression and anxiety and anger. Now a little background information on me, I was adopted at the age of 1 from Kazakhstan which is a country near Russia and China. I have a single mother which is hard because the focus is always on me. My mom and I used to get along until I started my relationship with Kenzy. She hated the idea that I was bisexual. Because of her, I ended up getting kicked off the basketball team and only was allowed to be manager and my duties consisted of getting damn water for the players.
Anyway, the relationship was great but Kenzy wasn't in a very healthy state of mind at the time and constantly would start fights with me and I would do the same, so neither of us were healthy. But in her defense I made many mistakes as well. I became physically and emotionally abusive because of how I was treated in my past relationship with males. We both were upset all of the time and it hurt me so much, but I stayed anyway. Now this may be hard to hear but the summer of 2018 I especially was physically abusive. I choked her to the point she couldn't breathe. I went to rogers for the second time over that summer but this time it was for another 2 months in partial hospitalization which was 6 hours a day. Throughout that time, my social worker suggested the relationship wasn't healthy but I didn't listen. That summer, Kenzy was raped and I blamed myself for it. Since that day in June I came to the realization that I was and am gay. The next few months things got even worse. The fights became more frequent and she would get mad and make terrible decisions to make me upset and jealous, such as kissing a guy she used to date, right in front of me. Yeah, I ended up punching that guy. That is besides the point. Kenzy was struggling during the beginning of the year and went inpatient at rogers which meant she lived at rogers 24/7 until they decided she was ready to leave. Now in the past I "cheated" on her with her ex Alex. And I hate myself for even talking to him. And when she got out of Rogers, she accused me of cheating again when I didn't, because all I did was think of her.
