Dusky Heartbeat

Diary 1

•¤•

I just really want to die. But the things made me cry are distresses. The cause just wouldn't stop until I ever fixed it, which is the only way but there is another way, a hard, unpleasant, harmful, shameful but effective, effective enough to let everything go away. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. As in everything, joy, sadness, distresses, shame, all emotions, including lies and [illegible]. Everything is ruined and it's really hard to do the only choice I have and it's a sinful sin. I just wish that I can kill myself. Leaving behind my priorites, friends and families and my reason is just very stupid. I am just very stupid. VERY STUPID!! I just couldn't be myself without anyone noticing that there is something wrong with me. I am only just 1 person vs. a hundred sins and problems. I just act happy and shit instead of being quiet, hearing gossips about me. I knew since forever that all the things I do will be treated back to me, and I have a bad boy and bad things would come to me. I only have settled 3 golden promises. 1. Lay and swear my loyalty to a special friend. 2. Be good and follow the curse I've given myself. 3. 12/10/18... The third one should be obvious. I have nothing left of my things, my breath, any choice. Nothing to do for my stupid, ugly, ignored, lied, broken, destroyed, annoying, sad, sad, sad depressing life. Today (Date forgotten) I have broken my only comfort, my protection against the whole wide world, it keeps me safe, quiet, occupied, simple, unlimited, colorful, smart, happy and smile. I wont tell my last and only life chance that I have broken today and my life long destiny lying lesson. I have noticed today cause its rather embarassing kind of the same of my life. 1 single move can and did destroy my life and reputation. JUST ONLY ONE DID DESTROY ME. I hope this will be the last. #butterflyeffect

{identical transfer}

...