hate u, love u, complicated mess

big oof (3/15/19)

this is big yikes.

so, lately, since everything had happened with the guy I talked about last time, I haven't liked anyone. I'm trying not to because I don't wanna get my feelings hurt, because that happens every time.

side note, I have found some SUPER cute guys, who me and my good friend call the cute ones. there's about 8 or so guys on that list, and I will say, THEYRE SO CUTE. all but one are 8th graders though, so it kinda sucks. one of them especially is veeery cute, but surprisingly, that's not the one I'm catching feelings for.

I don't know if I would call it catching feelings, but this one guy I've been talking to more recently is just making me happy.

I'm also mad at myself because as soon as I start talking to one of my old crushes, I realize again why I liked him. this other guy, he's nice and stuff, but I'm not, I can't fall for him again. he's rejected me before and recently we've just gotten closer again and ugh it's so hard. even some people are telling me to date him, but I'm not going to be that stupid. I can't like him again, it will just go into a dead end again.

well, back to the other guy, who I miiight like. I really don't even know though. part of me doesn't see him like that at all, but the other part of me always laughs at his jokes, and he's a good guy. the thing is, I know for a fact that he will reject me. I know he doesn't see me like that. I just don't know what to do. he's nice and all, but do I really want to waste my time on something that won't even matter?

I don't know.

on the other hand, the one cute one, he's just caught my eye. I don't talk to him, like ever, but he's so cute. like, 4th place or so on our list. that might not sound high, but since one of them is taken, it's more like this one guy is in 3rd place. when I mean cute, he really is. its a problem and I know other people say I'm obsessed or that he's not cute, but he is cute. the thing is, hes also in 8th grade, and he's talking to someone else. she's also in 8th.

ugh, why me.

it's so much, and I really don't know what to do.

this is very scary.