hate u, love u, complicated mess

well fml (3/29/19)

just like the title says, fml.

I'm hurting right now so much it's hard to even explain.

I like a new guy already. ive known him since kindergarten and I just can't handle this right now. he's a nice guy and so funny yet right now he hates me.

long story short, he started dating this girl who is actually a hoe and I tried telling him that and he got so pissed.

I didn't tell him this because I wanted to be with him and break them up. its because I don't want that for him. hes going to get hurt and I don't want that happening to him.

well what happened? they already broke up and he's hurting and still so mad at me. I can't handle it. I feel so selfish and mad at myself because I actually like him a lot.

the other thing is that I'm not a skinny person. the exact opposite from that in fact. I'm fat and I know it, and hes not. he's skinny. I know that he, like everyone else does, would reject me. I hate this because my one friend is telling me to stop thinking like that, but I can't.

I know he wouldn't ever date me. I hate feeling like this. all my other friends are so  pretty and they get people who like them and who date them.

and then here I am. alone with nobody.

I try to stop thinking like that, and people tell me that you never know what could happen, like he could say yes, but I don't hear it.

it just goes in one ear and out the other.

I just know for a fact that he would say no. 

I still feel so terrible that he's not talking to me. I just want him to talk to me and talk all this out but we're just drifting and I f**king hate it so much.

hes saying thing like my friend is funnier than me, he doesn't wanr to hang out with me, we're not quoting our inside jokes, I can't stand it.

this is probably the worst I've felt about a guy ever and I'm not even dating him.

I don't understand it.

why do I feel so bad.

why don't I just tell him.

maybe he'll understand.

it might be better for me to just get it off my chest...

but I just cant.

I see him everyday and I couldn't handle that.

I know he would say no. even though yes technically I don't know for a fact, he wouldn't say yes. I just know it.

I'm so conflicted with what to do

fml