Afraid

Chapter 1

I wake at 5am on a Saturday morning, usually I would sleep in but the night before I had smoked a joint sending me into a deep slumber. I am grateful to be up so early because that means i'll have time to get myself ready and be out of the door before my mother wakes up. I have work at eight so I plan accordingly. I grab my towel, phone and a few other toiletries before heading to the bathroom to take a shower. As I walk into the bathroom I spot my speaker and plug it in. I make sure to turn down as to not wake my mother. I play my shower playlist and turn on the shower. As I step into the shower I feel instant relief as the scolding hot water touches my skin and relaxes my muscles. I start to think about what i'll do after work and most likely i'll just come straight back here or go to the library and read a little. Once i'm clean I step out of the shower and reach for the towel I look over and spot my phone, I tap it just to check the time and it is already five forty five. I need to catch the seven o' clock train to work, I am planning on grabbing an iced coffee before the train so I rush out of the shower and speed brush my teeth. I make sure to gargle some mouthwash just in case my quick brush wasn't thorough enough. I run to my room and make a quick change into a cute outfit. I throw on some ripped mom jeans paired with a white tank top and a beige light coat as well as some white vans. The summer is almost over and the weather is too warm for heavy clothing and too cool to not wear a coat of some sort. I throw my hair in a bun and don't waste my time putting makeup on my face. I grab my purse while throwing my house keys and phone inside. When I finish making my way down the stairs I spot my mother on the couch passed out mouth open and all. She must've gotten home late from her shift at the hospital and settled for the couch because she was too exhausted to make it to her room. I take a blanket from the closet in the living room and cover her before making my way out the door.

Once I make it outside I reach for my phone to check the time, it's six thirty meaning I have thirty minutes to walk to the station. I start to make my way to the station and get there at around six forty five. I have just enough time to get some coffee from a coffee shop across street. I wait for the light to turn red before crossing the street, I speed walk across the street to ensure that I am not in the street when the light turns green and that i'm not holding anyone up. I walk up to the shop and admire its small yet elegant appearance, It has large windows on the front with large cursive text that say "Jeans coffee shop". I make my way inside and the smell of coffee instantly invades my nostrils making my mouth water. I probably drink way too much coffee for someone my age but I don't really care it taste good and gives me that energy boost that I need. As I walk up to the counter I am greeted by a boy probably around my age. He has pretty green grey eyes and dark hair that scrunches under his hat. He smiles and his teeth are pearly white. It should be illegal to have teeth so perfect.

"Ma'm" He looks at me with concern and discomfort.

He must've said ma'm twice but I didn't realize because I was distracted by his teeth.

"Oh, i'm sorry can I have a caramel ice coffee please" I say nervously pulling at my coat and give him a nervous smile.

"Yeah sure what size would you like?" He ask me in a monotone voice

"Um medium please" I am so nervous that I can feel a heaviness in my chest, damn my anxiety! I shout internally.

"Ok it'll just be a minute" He says with a smile.

Gosh that smile kills me. I hand him my card and a few moments later he hands me my card and receipt with my order number. I walk over and wait for my coffee. While I wait I take a glimpse at my phone just to check the time to make sure that I don't miss my train it's only six fifty one but it feels like it has been a lot longer than that.

"Number 30!" one of the other employees call out

I grab my iced coffee and rush out of the store quickly and I can't tell if it's because I am trying to catch my train or if it is because I can feel his eyes on me. I don't even know his name I was so distracted by his smile. I guess it won't really matter because i'll be back here for more coffee sooner or later. I make it to the train on time and make sure to choose a seat way in the back far from everyone. I take my earphones from my purse and throw them in my ears and look out the window to make sure that I am not bothered by anyone. The ride is good and for a moment I find the constant motion of the train calming and doze off for a few minutes. Suddenly I feel a thump beside me, an obnoxious thump and I can already feel my pulse start to rise as I look up and find a preppy school boy beside me. He has blonde hair that swoops just above his eyes and bright brown eyes. I also have time to notice a beauty mark on the right side of his chin. I look at him with confusion because there are plenty of seats available on the train but he decides to sit beside me.

"Um, you know there are plenty of seats on this train right" it accidentally slips out but I don't care I want him to move.

"Well yeah but there is only one next to you" He grins an overconfident grin.

Um is he trying to flirt, as if I say with disgust in my head. This is why I avoid people to avoid situations like this, this kid could not be more annoying. My nervousness is overcome with annoyance.

"My name is Griffin" He holds out his hand to shake mine but I just stare at him.

"...Ok no handshake" He proceeds to shake his own hand. How much more lame could this kid get.

"Listen I just wanna be left alone" I say with a shaky yet snarky tone and sip my coffee in hopes that he doesn't recognize my anxiety in action.

From a very young age I have always had problems voicing my opinions and talking to people in general, I also worried about everything from not going to the beach because of the fear of drowning to worrying about if my mom is hurt or not when she isn't with me. My mother had realized and had taken me to the doctor to see why acted the way I did. Long story short I have been taking anxiety medication my whole life and gone to therapy for it. It helps but it never truly fixes the problem. Thats why I also smoke weed to ease my nerves but my mom doesn't know about that self treatment. I have been smoking a lot more recently due to the fact that I have to start a whole new year of school again. It's my senior year...my last year and I am ready to leave and not have to deal with seeing anyone at my school ever again. Except for maybe one person, Jennie by best friend since elementary school. We became friends because one day when I was in school we all had to present our favorite toy to the class. Moments before I had pleaded and begged the teacher to let me just watch but she insisted that I go. When I got up there I felt my heart start to race and beat so hard that I could feel it in my head. I tried to find the words but I couldn't I was on the verge of a mini panic attack Jennie realized what was happening and ran up and started to dance distracting the class and making them laugh hysterically. I joined in and from that day Jennie has been like my little protecter she looks out for me like a sister. She is my best and only friend.