Whiskey & Wine

5. Catapult

All of the sudden she disappears
Just yesterday she was here
Somebody tell me if I am sleeping
Someone should be with me here
Cause I don't wanna be alone

Bucky had tuned her out.

The others were surprised that she was leaving. But of course, he knew already. She was leaving him as far as he was concerned. Everyone else be damned.

"I get it, Rin," Steve sighed and his eyes flickered briefly to Bucky, who was simply staring at the wall, a blank expression on his face. "Tell me you're staying for the tour at least."

Corine let out a heavy breath. Three more months...it didn't seem possible. She was burnt out. "I can finish out the tour, but then it's over for me. I'm tired. I need a break."

"You'll be back?," Clint asked and Bucky barked out a laugh. "You're kidding, right, Barton? Let's be realistic here. Rin is leaving. She's gone. She can't stand my sorry ass anymore. Isn't that right, Rinnie? You're tired of my shit," he said, venom in his voice.

"Yeah, roll your eyes at me," he replied sarcastically, "cant even admit it, can you? That you're leaving because of me. Because I'm that much of a fuckin' mess. A god damn addict. You don't give a shit."

Corine had enough.

"Fuckin' hell," Clint muttered, but Corine cleared her throat.

"Yeah. I'm leaving because of you, Barnes. Because we all know the earth revolves around you. Everything is about the great James Buchanan Barnes," she said with sarcasm. "You're a joke. You get that, don't you?"

"The label is tired of your shit. And yes, I'm tired of your shit."

I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand
And I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult
What a big baby won't somebody save me please
You won't find nobody home

It stung, her words.

But he should have just expected it. She'd been pulling away for more than two years. Calling him out on his bullshit more and more often. Saving his ass more than she should have. Fuck, she had every reason to run.

He wanted to say something, anything. But her words had stunned him into silence.

"See...nothing to say," she laughed humorlessly. "I told you, James. I'm tired. Tired of this life. Tired of picking up the pieces and cleaning up your messes. I'm tired of finding you shit-faced, high. Trashy groupies in your bed. I'm tired of putting them in cabs. I'm. Fucking. Tired."

"I deserve better than this shit. I deserve better because I do! I bend over backwards for you and I have for too long. And you know why? Do you really know why?"

"Because despite all the pain you put me through, I still love you. I worry about you. I miss you, the man you used to be. And I, for whatever dumb reason, held out hope that you'd change. But you won't. So I'm gone."

All of these quiet battered voices
Wait for the hunger to come
We got little revolvers and stupid choices
And no one to say when we're done
Well I don't wanna bring you down

He felt like an utter failure. She loved him. Fuck, she loved him and he'd done nothing but destroy that.

"Rinnie...," he started, but she held up a hand. "Don't. Don't, James. Whatever you have to say, just fucking don't. Nothing, and I mean not a damn thing you say will fix this. No amount of 'sorry's' will make this right. It won't change a god damn thing."

"It's done."

And that was that, wasn't it? Falling back into silence, Bucky sat, his eyes averted away from her. He couldn't bear to see the pain in her own eyes. The pain he'd inflicted. Years of bringing her down.

He wanted to be the man she needed, but that man was gone. The one who'd loved her with all of his heart and soul. The one with so much love and light inside him. The one with a future ahead of him. He was dead and gone, replaced by something dark.

Could he do it, could he get clean and sober? Prove to her he could bring the old James back to life?

She sighed softly and walked away, closing the hotel door behind her.

Tears fell before it even shut and she tried to compose herself, at least long enough to reach her room. But the sobs came, shaking her entire body with so much intensity that she simply sank to the carpeted floor.

She wrapped her arms around her knees and simply let it happen. She knew she needed to. She needed to grieve.

Three months. She could do that. She had to do that. She promised the guys. She promised the label. And then she'd go. She'd run as far and as fast as she could. She'd get the hell out, deal with it and move on with her life. Do something she hadn't done since she was a teenager.

Live without Bucky Barnes.

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
'Cause I know there's little things about me
That would sing in the silence of so much rejection
In every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....