Things I'll never tell you

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Idk where to start tbh

Alot of things spiked up in me now
Now that my memories are back
Everything makes sense

I mean I'm an accepting person
I've accepted all my flaws , the bad things in life

But this I can't,  I can't except it
I can't believe I've been there and  it happened to me
I'm just rembering things and realising everything now

How bad it could have gotten if I didn't say " mom is calling me "

I believe that Allah saved me that day , in the middle of her nasty doings I heard a yell of my name and immediately though it was mom so I left , while it wasn't , it was a random woman calling god knows who
I used to defend people who were sexually harassed when they were kids
Now that I understand what happened
I should have defended myself first
I should have never went with her

It's still fresh to me , the " close your eyes " " don't tell anyone it's our secret game" and I shut up and did as told

I remember sneaking a look and saw her grinding on my petite body , Idk if I was 10 or 9 years old

She took me to their garage , closed the door
sat me in a chair and got on top of me

I didn't understand , I really believed it was a game

I didn't like that game

She had this bad girl vibe to her , her manners the way she speaks to the way she carries herself
I hated everyone that was like her , I didn't know why
Hatred isnt a part of me , never was never will
But where did it came from ? Now ik

In fact  , im getting flash backs 6 or 7 years after

All this time , something had an impact on me , I just didn't know what it was

I wasn't scared back then , but now

Hurt? Frightened to realise the danger I was in ? Confused to why she did it ?

I feel used , it wasn't my fault but I feel used

It is like I'm reliving the scene

The poor young girl who was used , to satisfy someone selfish needs 

What does this make of me ?
I've only spoken about it to two people whom I trust and love alot
But i was hesitant at first

I was shaking violently when I did so

What will this make of me to them ? Will they accept me ?

They accepted and embraced me which is something I'm forever grateful for

But ik I can't accept it,  and now I have to live with it my whole life if I don't move on

But why didn't I remember ? Why did i think it was okay for her to do that

If you're going through this , please speak up
You're not only saving yourself but also saving his/her next victims

This is not okay
And forever won't be .