Late Night Letters

4

Hi,

I think, sometimes love is misdefined. You see when I say I love you, I don't mean that you had my heart in your hands or the power to toss it and turn it until it accidentally slipped through your fingers and splattered all over the floor. No when I say I loved you, I mean that when I looked at you I saw home. I saw the small town we grew up in. I saw my friends and family. I saw my childhood. I saw things that made me happy, sad and anxious all at the same time. When I looked at you I saw what I wanted to see, and I wanted to see a world in which I was not only happy, but I was happy with myself.

Cause you see, I've never been one, at least teenage me has never been one to expect to be happy with myself. And while I'm well aware that the whole world has flaws, my brain defined me by my flaws. Too short, not smart enough, too weird. And the curious thing is that I was proud of most of those things. I loved being small, I could fit into places no one else could. I loved being weird and goofy, I made people laugh and shocked people to no avail. And, I rated my intelligence on whether or not I decided to do stupid things. And since I didn't do much of those, I considered myself smart enough to survive another year. And even though I was proud. It didn't mean that I was happy. I've always been good at being content, which most people confuse with happiness, but it's different. Trust me, it is.

But you, you hated being different. You, you hated people noticing things about you that you didn't want people to notice. And you were always so calm and collected. And you could always be just perfect enough to get away with things. So when I say I want to stop loving you, I don't mean that I want to rip out my heart, stomp on it and hope that my new one won't have you in it anymore. No I mean, that I want to stop thinking about you when I think of home. I want to stop thinking about how you're doing or how you're an idiot for making some of the decisions you've made.

I've always been told I'm good with words. I have trouble believing that most days. But today, well yesterday, yesterday was special. Because I got an email that made me cry tears of joy. And part of the reason I got that email was cause of my words. So since I'm apparently so good with words, I'll leave you some to ponder on until next time.

You and I will always have a tie together. We will always have a place in common, and if we ever awkwardly run into each other at a party and get asked if we know each other, I'll say yes. And I'll tell them how. And then I'll do some small talk for a while longer before turning around and meandering away. Because I, unlike you, have never been ashamed. I've never been ashamed of myself, of where I grew up, of how I was raised, no matter how much people tried to make me feel like I should. I have never felt ashamed for being who I am. Most importantly, I've never been ashamed of you. Which brings me to something my mom always says to me. She says, "I have some students who aren't as mature as you were at 12, never mind 18." So I guess what you really have to catch up to is my maturity level. Because being ashamed of someone who is your equal is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of.

So, hope y'all are having a pleasant day. And to that one person who reads this and knows what I'm talking about. Or who's managed to get a vague idea and is still debating. You're right. I love you, hope alls okay. Luckily I won't be dragging you to anymore dinners. I hope they don't read this cause, yikes how would I ever explain myself?

See ya later alligators,

L.