No matter how good of a day you had, no matter how much love you feel, no matter who you see, the monster people call a chemical imbalance has never failed to make you forget everything good. You lose all reality while drowning in overwhelming self hatred and made up scenarios. You try to claw your way through the pain, grasping anything you can, clinging to the little bits of happiness in your sad life but when you snap back to reality you're different. Things are gloomier. It goes back to the way it was before you started to see things positively. Before you started therapy 2 times a week. Before you stuffed your sorry mouth with anti-depressants. You were finally stable when it all went spiraling into oblivion. You hear the repetition of your therapist's voice "things will get better, you will outgrow the pain". The doctor you pay thousands of dollars to make the pain stop must know what they are talking about, right? They must know how many times a day you think about downing those pills, how many times a day you think about slitting those delicate wrists, how many times a day you look at a ledge and imagine yourself flinging your limp body off into a better quieter existence, how many times you are driving and all of a sudden how probable death would be when you ram into a wall at 90 miles per hour without a seat belt on. Depression has taken everything from you. Every simple thing. Things you don't even realize have been tainted. You just think everyone has the mind set you do. Looking at a bottle of medication used to be for helping a headache, now you see a bottle of Tylenol and wonder how many it would take to kill you. You see a bottle of rubbing alcohol and wonder whether it would give you alcohol poisoning or shut down your organs without getting drunk. You go to the bathroom and look in the mirror wondering what would happen if you smashed that glass and dug it into your skin. You started drinking way too early, you said it was just for fun, just being a teenager, just living your best life. Deep down you knew you only wanted to forget. You wanted to pretend you didn't have a car in the world. The feeling of being drunk off your ass is like being numb. Everything is funnier. Everything is great but you want more. You test your body's limits and down an extra 3 pints. You find a stronger alcohol. You mix the alcohol that wasn't strong enough alone. None of that can keep up with the amount you need to let go of you so you crave anything more powerful. Once your knotted brain can't find anything stronger you stop and think about how many people would actually miss you if you took away the pain for good, like really deeply miss your presence. Or will they just miss you for a few months and then forget you ever entered their life. Always underestimate your meaning in someone's life or else you will get hurt when you find out the truth. Everything this chemical imbalance touches, is tainted and wilts away as fast as piece of paper on fire.
