All Of Me | Camren

two

Camila panics, heart racing almost as quickly as her mind. She doesn't mean to do it, she swears. In fact, she doesn't feel in control of what she's doing at all.

The world around her is so cloudy, her vision is rendered near-useless. All she is aware of are quick breaths that don't align with the soft heaving of her own chest, and the feeling of warm, soft skin beneath her hands. In the blur, a voice calls out, its source just as hazy as her surroundings, "Get off of me!"

But Camila can't, and as she opens her mouth to explain her predicament, to sob apologies and beg for forgiveness, another scream rips through her, rattling against her hoarse throat. A pair of petrified green eyes fade into focus before an arm comes up and hides them. Her hands tug it away, but it isn't her doing, and when it curls into a fist, she fights to close her eyes, to look away, to prevent what she knows is unpreventable. Before a blow can land on her friend, however, she wakes with a start.

Her heart still pounds so harshly she's sure it's trying to flee her ribcage. She gives herself a few moments to catch her breath before ensuring she's back in reality. She lifts her arm, flexes her fingers, and nods. This is her now, not whatever it is that hurts people, not whatever it is that gives her such nightmares, not whatever it is that makes people afraid of her, including herself. She listens intently for any sign of movement on the bus, but nobody is awake. With a relieved sigh, she clambers from the small bed and soundlessly makes her way to the fridge to retrieve a water bottle.

Bottle in hand, she takes the pamphlets from beneath the pillow, opens one up, and begins to read the words inside for the first time. Maybe Dr. Edwards' suggestion isn't such a bad idea after all.  Tomorrow, she promises herself, she'll go see her family and, if she's brave enough, bring it up with her parents. For now, though, she has to work on accepting the fact that she is volunteering to admit herself to a place like that.

...

Camila smiles regretfully as she watches her younger sister play fetch with their dog, though Leo seems less than enthralled about chasing his toy around the front yard. It's been so long since she'd last come home, she'd missed Sofi's first loose tooth, her first performance in the school play, and her first win in a family bean-bag toss 'tournament'. She'd saved getting her nails painted for Camila's return and all but dragged the older girl into her room when she got home, practically forcing Camila to paint her nails for her, not that she would have refused. They'd chosen a soft pink and painted each other's to match, though Sofi's brushstrokes were a little clumsier and Camila had had to finish off for her.

Camila jumps when her father comes to stand beside her, but when he wraps an arm around her shoulder, she leans into his side.

"We've missed you," He comments, although he's already said so at least ten times since her return a few hours ago.

"I missed you too," She replies with a small sigh. Taking the opportunity, and not wanting to chicken out, she blurts, "I need to talk to you and Mami about my, uh... situation."

Her parents know about her visits to a psychiatrist, about how much she is struggling with her mystery affliction, though there are some things she's kept private, things like the unexpected aggressive outbursts people say come from her. He squeezes her shoulder, and asks, "Is everything okay?" His eyes never leave his youngest daughter, who huffs when Leo sits down and pants in the direction of his toy, forcing her to follow after it instead, but Camila can see the sheer amount of concern behind his gaze.

"Everything's fine," She promises, "I just... I have to go over something with you guys to make sure I'm making the right choice, you know?"

He nods, runs a hand over his stubbly chin, and pats her arm before making his way back into the house, calling for his wife along the way. When he returns with Sinu, who dries her hands with a kitchen towel as she steps out onto the porch, that same concern is expressed on her face. She keeps her voice down to a hush as she asks the same question as her husband did moments earlier. This time, Camila just nods and reaches into her back pocket, holding out the now-creased pamphlets. Her nerves run rampant as her parents each take one, leaving her with the last.

"Dr. Edwards wants me in one of these places," She explains, "I think it might be good for me."

"A-An institution?" Sinu's incredulous exclamation causes her voice to raise loud enough for Sofi to hear. She looks over, alarmed, but settles when each member of her family casts a smile toward her and Leo pads over, wanting her attention again. She doesn't know what the big word means, but hopes it's something about her sister being able to stay for longer. "Sorry," Her mother hisses, "But this is for real?"

Camila gulps, cheeks hot and nerves raging as she nods again, clearing her throat.

"I thought you said it was just anxiety," Alejandro frowns, "It's this severe?"

Her throat closes up, but Camila knows she has to tell them the truth. She's pretty sure that, as their daughter, they're going to want a solid reason to send her to a place like Southside Mental Hospital whose name blares up at her from her hand. She runs her free hand over her jeans, hoping to rid her palm of the slickness it is gathering, before she casts her eyes down and speaks. "It's not just anxiety, Papi. They don't know what it is, but it isn't just overthinking and- and being scared. It's... The reason someone is admitted into an institution like these is because they're a danger, either to themselves or to other people." She attempts to regurgitate the information she'd found from a quick google search of what to expect from being admitted to an in-patient psychiatric hospital like these, "I am, to other people. I've hurt people without even realizing I'm doing it, and- and I can't remember ever wanting to or even thinking about hurting people but I hurt- I hurt her."

When the tears begin to well in her eyes and her speech becomes quicker, she's pulled into the embrace of both parents, who sent worried glances to each other over her shoulders.

"You think this will help?" Her dad asks as they pull apart, not wanting to delve into who exactly she had hurt, nevermind how. She nods again, not daring to raise her eyes from her feet until her mother speaks up.

"Then it is a good idea. Which do you like best?"

She hesitates, but soon points to the leaflet held tightly by Sinu. Stonehaven, it's called, and from what she's seen, that one will give her the most freedom, something that seems to be limited in these places.

—

I missed a Friday already 🤦‍♀️