Memory Lane

Lightning claps outside, pulling me out of my dazed state. I watch the rain pouring down outside. The cool crisp air has an electric feel to it. The hair on my arm stiffens, standing on edge. Tearing my gaze away from the window, I look down at the photo album in my hands, and open it. I flip through a few pages and see me. I look happy... but I notice something that only I can see: the dead look in my eyes. My smiling face is a mere disguise, showing the world what I wanted them to see. If someone looked closer, they would be able to see that the smile did not reach my eyes. But of course, nobody ever did.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a scar, long-faded, but still visible in the right lighting, with its own story to tell. My mind drifts, wandering back to a day very similar to this one.

It had started off as normal as my day could possibly be. I woke up, laid in bed, then forced myself to get up and get ready. Getting up was always an effort for me; I never had any energy or will to get on with my days. My body ached from the beatings, delivered by the girls from my school. Bruises had scattered my pale body. Those days, the pain was the only indication that I was alive.

I took comfort in over-sized clothing. It covered everything. Making it easy to hide the scars and bruises, making it easy to conceal the truth. There was never a mark on my face, my tormentors made sure of that. I always wanted to fight back, back, never had the strength to be able to.

"You're a coward" muttering to myself. I had always dreaded walking to the prison they called 'school'. I always tried to keep a low profile to dodge my tormentors, hood high and head bowed. But they always found me.

I was pulled into the locker rooms by an unseen force. The 'click' of the door getting locked rang through my ears and made my senses more alert.

"Tsk, tsk," one of them had said. "Did you really think we wouldn't notice you?" They exchanged smirks.

"Please, no more," I pleaded.

One of them stepped forwarded and whispered in my ear, "You're never going to be free of this. You know why? Because you're weak, ugly, stupid, fat, and a waste of space. It is about time you learned your place in this world." This was followed by a hard punch to my gut, which left me winded and doubling over in pain. Heart hammering in my chest and blood pounding in my ears. The girl behind me hit my legs and made me drop to the floor. Quickly, I had curled into a position to protect myself from the blows they had dished out so willingly. My mouth clamped shut, determined not to let them hear my pained cries.

I heard something hit the ground. "Do everyone a favor and leave this world. It would be so much better without you."

With that said I heard them leaving. Straining my neck from my position I saw something shiny catch the dim lighting of the room. The flickering light danced in front of my eyes, as if taunting me.

Pulling myself and crawling towards it leaves me breathless, tears silently streak down my face from the pain. Reaching out I grab the knife and slip it into my pocket.

Am I really going to do this?

Should I just do as they say?

Maybe the world would be better without me...

Somehow, I had managed to get up from the floor and lean against the wall. Taking deep steady breaths, new tears formed. Wiping them away, I pull my hood up again and wince as my hand brushes over my jaw.

"Shit." They got my face this time somehow. Steadily, I make my way out. When I'm knocked to the ground again.

"Shit, are you ok?" the voice is filled with concern. I remember looking up to see a boy that is bending down holding his hand out to me, as if to help me up. His face looks apologetic. He is surrounded by his friends, who just watch me, as if to see how I was going to react. I avoid his gaze and grabbed his hand. He pulled me up with ease. Pain courses through my body.

"It's fine. I should've looked where I was going." Still looking down to avoid his gaze.

"What happened to your face?" My eyes widen as I realized that my hood had fallen down. Pulling it quickly over my head, I muttered

"It's nothing." I tried to walk past him, but he is still holding my arm. His face looks angry. I become scared. I yanked my arm out of his hold and ran out the doors. I heard him calling out to me. But I ignored him and kept running. I ran to the field and hid out under the bleachers. Rain started to pour down around me. It's only now that I let go of all my emotions. Loud sobs racked through my body. The rain almost mutes the sound.

There is suddenly a heavy weight in my pocket. Slipping my hand in and wrapping my fingers around the cool metal. I pull it out, my mind already made. No one wants me...I am just a waste of space....

Getting myself into a sitting position I held my arm out and placed the blade at the base of my wrist ready to end it. I dug in, red color starts to flow freely. Closing my eyes hissing through my teeth as the pain got more real than ever before. Sticky substance flowed leaving my fingertips soaked.

This was it. This was my end. My happy ending. I started hearing a voice, it sounded panicked. Closing my eyes, I drowned the voice with the sound of rain. I heard footsteps stop in front of me,

"Shit, Shit, Shit." I felt pressure being put on my wrist. I opened my eyes and saw the boy from before. Why had he come? He didn't know me. So why help me?...

"Let me be." I barely managed to let out. My eyes becoming very droopy.

"No stay with me, god dammit." I felt myself slip and then I saw darkness.

A loud bang brings me out of that memory. I look up and see my husband coming through the door. He saved me that day. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here and wouldn't have been able to experience all the good things that life has to offer. After my attempt at suicide he never left my side. My husband comes to me and leans down to give me a kiss. And places a hand on my swollen belly. A smile forms on my face. Leaning up I kiss him again and whisper,

"I love you." If I had died, I would've missed this life. A chance at love, a chance to be a mother. I vow to myself that this child I will bear will not have a life like I did. I do not want them to feel what I did. They will experience life as I have discovered to be an amazing thing.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Hey real short I know. But hope it catches your attention and you able are to feel the emotions that this woman was feeling. Don't be afraid to talk about abuse, suicide, depression and self harm with people you care about or trust. This is a big thing these days. I hope to be able to write a story about a teen who goes through everything that happens in this story. So keep an eye out for that. Won't be for a few months though as I am busy. But please let this story be an awareness for everyone. Reach out to those who are struggling. Be the help someone needs.