I missed him.
Two fucking days and he's all I could think about. All the stupid little things we did every day without realizing it. Like how he used to cook breakfast while I made coffee or how I'd wake him up when I got back from the gym. Sleeping in a bed without him felt foreign. There was no one to hold me, no hand for me to put my own on top off. I missed how Ashton talked about his sister. It made me wonder what my life would have been like if I had a sibling.
Now more than ever I thought about my own kids. Would they get along like Ashraf and Katya?
Would I even have kids? Probably not. I don't think I even deserved to have them. Children were a reward; a gift. People to love and help grow into functioning and outstanding members of society. I wanted that more than anything, but I didn't deserve that honor. After all the people I've killed and hurt, I shouldn't be rewarded with the joy of having a baby.
Besides, I'd only be bringing a child into this horrible world to hurt them. With all of my secrets and demons, it would be unavoidable. They would have a target on their back by default. What happens when mommy's dead? I would never be able to raise a child. Dragging a child across the world in an unstable lifestyle wasn't fair.
Why do non-breakup breakups hurt the worst?
Ashton and I were never together, not even by a stretch of the imagination. We weren't even friends with benefits; we had sex a grand total of twice in one day. That's it.
But it didn't stop the pain.I had one boyfriend in high school. Everyone thinks it's the kids in the cp classes that get drunk in abandoned buildings and sneak out at night but that's just not the truth. Alvin was smart and caring. I used to sneak out at night to wander the city with him and get high. It was the dumbest shit ever but I thought I loved him. I loved him as much as a sixteen-year-old could, but that doesn't mean much no matter how real you think teens can love. They don't know the first thing about love.
Alvin thought we were going to get married and he'd save me from my abusive father when we graduated high school. I thought that was fucking hilarious. When you're a kid, everything seems like it will work itself out.But I know the truth.
Those that live in delusion and let society walk all over them will never see the truth. The reality of the situation is that there is no happy ending for the informed. We are too busy focusing on what we could have rather than what we have currently. So yes, I am flawed. I've known that forever. But what is an acceptable level of settling? We shouldn't settle for abuse yet people settle for others injustice constantly.
I will never settle which means I will never be at peace.
I don't deserve to be at rest, either.
I've chosen this horrid path and now I would ride it out until the end.
A week ago I was going to kill myself in a church but I didn't because I was fucking scared. It didn't matter how much I was hurting or how much I deserved it. I was too fucking selfish to make the world a better place. I didn't kill myself because this whole time I've been trying to survive and I couldn't bear the thought of throwing that away. My whole life survival as been my one focus.
Ashton was the same. He knew what real pain felt like. Every part of him felt the guilt I did. The only difference was that he had the capacity to show me he cared and I didn't. He was willing to keep the thought that I could have betrayed him in his head while I lashed out and tried to kill him.
Ashton was better off without me.
A tear rolled down my cheek as I sat in a leather chair on a jet provided by the courtesy of the UAE government. My grip on the glass in my hand tightened as my tongue ran over my smooth teeth behind my lips. I used to think after this job my life would be free. I could retire and live however I wanted. That was a god damn lie.
There were so many things to take care off before I could even think about retirement. Lawyers to take care of, CIA agents to kill, money to hide, and tracks to cover. My career was far from over. I couldn't help but feel like this was the beginning.
The beginning of the end.
I sold my soul to the devil eight years ago and every few months he keeps coming back for a little more.
There was no going back.
I'm the queen of the damned and soon enough, every agency in the world will be bowing down to me.
