Where is ME?

Year 2019

I've stopped counting the days. They go by so fast and all I can think about is what's next. Seems like life itself lost all its charm. I used to be such an artist, such a photographer. I loved all the things I could see in this world, I'd be the kind to take walks at 2 in the morning just so that I could picture the people getting up for work while the moon would set on the river. Also, I'd get lost in the city walking around while my phone was barely charged and dies when I'd call my family to reassure them. 

I was wild.

You'd say. But I saw it as if I had my eyes open for real. As if my purpose as a human being was exactly where I was standing and breathing it's magical dust into my lungs so that life wouldn't be a pity anymore. It would only work for a few minutes, for the time that I'd take standing still in that very moment trying my best to never let it go and make it last forever. I had other things to do as well like tell my father I'm still alive so I couldn't stay there for too long.

I always feel like I missed on life, I see other people (on youtube, yes.) that go out and venture the world so I think about my old self and how I miss it. How I miss my confidence and will to go on adventures but never go the time nor the opportunity to do so. I never wanted to go alone but my friends had sticks up their asses always wanting to follow their parent's orders or fears. 

I'll never go there, it's full of ghosts.

They'd say.

Now? I'm retired at age 18, retired from a life full of sights to see and knowledge to be known. Banned from school and desperate for a change of routine. Bored from life and despising humans interactions whatsoever. I used to love it, to love seeing humans interact with each other with so many colours and possibilities. Now I'm fed up and I wished I was somewhere else. 

I still love the views, I just don't want to partake in it. Like a painter painting a panorama, he won't paint himself on it. I love how humans have evolved, how they help each other out in times of need, how they search for answers and how they learn about each other and nature. I hate how humans kill each other because of air, I hate how words can be bent and twisted to your will, I hate how society has turned us into slavery on a big scale, I hate how we always end up destroying ourselves and blaming it on the country next door as if they were any different from us. 

And what I hate the most, is that we've always been told as kids that all this was normal human nature. That nothing could be done and it was simply better to fit in as the society did this for our best interest. We were told to bash the abnormal ones out, those will never help. We were told to find ourselves in the midst of all this while always following the line. Tell me, how are you supposed to say I love red when the line says I love blue. 

I'm a kid who grew up as a girl, I was told to wear dresses and skirts, I was told to wear makeup if I wasn't pretty enough, I was told to love princesses and brave knights, I was told to love pink and jewelry. I was a kid. Who grew up without the looks. Nature was fair on my face and only added a pinch of beauty that I later destroyed by getting chubby. My best friend back then was popular like ever, pretty, fierce and good at sports. There were so many types of friendship around me it was spinning my head. The mature ones, the silly ones, the sports ones, the artistic ones and the left-overs.

I can tell you I could see the line bending in front of me. It stretched into many different paths and I didn't know which one was mine. So I stood still. Hoping the line would stay there and wait for me but as it advances with time I was pushed aside to the left-overs. Those who never chose, those who didn't have what it takes, those without talents. Saying "we" for this group was overrated, mostly me walking around thinking about life in its whole. I didn't fit in.