The Boy With Tattoos

Chapter Nineteen

TBWT | Chapter 19

Can't come down

I was laying down in my room a day before the trail. I didn't want to move anywhere or do anything. I wanted to left to my own thoughts. I knew my mother shouldn't have any case to gain custody of me. However, I didn't want my life in the hands of a complete stranger that didn't know anything about me.

They didn't know that when I was fifteen that my mother's boyfriend had raped me. They didn't know that I gave birth to his baby. They didn't know I fell in love with my rapist son.

However, they were able to make decisions about my livelihood and I couldn't change it. I never had control of my own situation it was always placed in someone else's hand and I was struggling with it.

I let out a deep breath and laid up in my bed. I grabbed hold on my phone and made a phone call.

"Hello," she had answered.

"I just need someone to talk to I'm not having a good day," I said breathing shallowly through the phone. I didn't know what was bubbling up inside of me but my system felt overloaded. I couldn't get out of my head.

"I'll be right over? Is your father there?" She asked with the deepest concern.

"He left for work," I said in a small voice.

"I'm at work right now, but if you wanted to come down," she had started but I hung up the phone before she could finish. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to go to anyone. The phone had started to ring as soon as I hung up.

Emily my therapist tried to call back but I couldn't talk to her anymore. I felt too ashamed to answer. I didn't want to burden her with my sorrows. I knew she cared, but I didn't want to worry her about me. She had work that she had to get back to.

Instead of calling her back I texted, " I'll work through it! You have a great day."

She took that as my answer and sent back, "Okay just let me know if there is anything I can do. I'm here."

I got up from my position on the bed and went over to my desk and took out my notebook. I placed my headphones into my ear and listened to some music trying to calling to calm my mind down. However, the harder I tried to cool myself down the more my fear rose to the top.

While writing my heart out I could feel my tears silently pouring down my face an onto the page.

I couldn't write any more after ten pages had spewed out me.

It wasn't making me feel better like it had done the times before. It just made me more furious that I had to go through any of this. It made me angry I had to write down my problem. It made me furious that I wasn't able to make myself better when I wanted to feel better.

I kept working myself up.

I couldn't get myself to come down.

I reached out for my phone one more time to call Derek. I hoped that soft warm voice would be able to calm me down. I knew he was supposed to be at school, but I just had to try.

However, there was no answer.

There was no one I could reach out to. The lifelines that I had usually gone to were unavailable to me and just broke down crying. I sat there in my room for about thirty minutes sobbing.

That's when I got a text shooting through my phone.

Shrek: Sorry, babysitting my sister Abigale. Mom couldn't get the babysitter today.

I couldn't believe the text I had just read. I stopped with my tears and my breathing started to get faster. My lungs felt like they were about to cave in but I had texted him back.

Me: Your sister is named Abigale. How old is she?

Shrek: She just turned two. Remember the day we went to the street fair? That was the birthday I just came from.

That text had just shaken my whole world. I knew I had given birth to his sibling but I didn't know he would have known her. It might have been a coincidence they had the same name so I had to confirm.

Me: Who is your mom?

Shrek: Haha, you don't listen. I told you she was a therapist her name is Emily Coleman.

If I thought I was having a break down before. I couldn't even handle what was happening now. I started to run my fingers in my hair. Trying to calm me down. I let out a panic screamed and then in my right mind I decided something.

I was going to finally have control over my life that I wanted.

I went into the bathroom and opened my medicine drawer that was on the side wall to the mirror. I grabbed the first bottle of pain killers that I had seen and opened them.

I didn't count how many I was taking I just poured the entire bottle into my hand. I didn't even consider not doing it. The moment the first pill hit my hand I knew this is what I wanted to do.

I grabbed the cup that was resting on my sink and filled it halfway. I walked into my room again and sat on the edge of my bed. I opened my mouth to say a quick prayer and then lifted the hand filled with pills to my mouth. I shoved every last tablet in and gulped a huge swish of water.

That pain in my heart was still there. So I went back into the bathroom and had grabbed the pill bottle again and took it with me to my bed and I took several more.

I then laid back onto my bed. I could feel myself starting to breath lower, and lower. My hands started to cool down and that pain that I was feeling before started to slip further away.

Everything was getting further away.

Then I felt nothing.