Discontent

Walking around a busy street, at night. The stores are open and bright, all of them bubbling with customers, products, smells and noises. I see red lights, green beams, white touristic flashes reflecting on the wet concrete under my feet. And in the far background, hiding behind the tall dark buildings that stand like ghosts in the night, the nocturnal sky shows itself; kinda blue, sort of gray, far away in outer space, sky is big and eternal. But from my little perspective it looks shy and tired, almost not there. But that's okay, becase tonight I'm too distracted to think about that.

I'm sort of hungry but not really, maybe just anxious to experience and consume. Being a busy night, there are many places to pick from when I get truly hungry. Maybe not hotdogs, perhaps Chinese. Surely something I don't know the name of, that's what I desperately crave right now. Asking for something that's written in characters unknown tome, feeling dumb while trying to pronounce it, giving some money away and waiting excitedly for my new, adventurous meal.

So, after a while of wandering around between tired workers and curious tourists, I finally decide to buy some round, colorful spheres in a stick. Before paying I learn that they're called dango, and I feel excited! And excitedly I start gnawing at my treat, only to discover that... I don't like it. I've never been one for gelatinous things, and I'm understanding just now that a lot Japanese food is really gelatinous. I always wanted to try things like mochi, mostly because of how soft and sweet it looked in anime. But I guess that I wouldn't stand to chew mochi, since I can tell that it is much softer than this dango I'm eating right now. And this, I can't even swallow correctly. So I get really disappointed. It always goes like this.

I find the will to go out and do something new and fun, something to get out from the tedium loop that I find myself in more and more often. And I find something that catches my attention, and I give myself entirely to the new experience. And I get let down. I mean, it's not that the world is conspiring against me, at all. It's just that my expectations always are... stupid? How else can I explain that I can't seem to be satisfied by anything? How could it be possible to feel frustrated by every single "fun" thing there is? What is it exactly that I'm looking for?

While I can tell that I'm falling again in a spiral of self-questioning and discontentment, I also know that I must get myself out of there, before I start feeling numb and doing things I don't mean. It makes me sad to think about throwing away my dango, because I'm tired of throwing away everything that reaches my hands. Dango is not at fault for my ridiculous expectations. So I finally decide to go back home and put it on the fridge, maybe one of my flatmates will be interested in a chewed Japanese treat.

And I go back to the streets. Before returning home I try to find the previous enthusiasm that got me out of there. I scrutinize the void in my chest, searching for anything that I can use as a crutch to start walking like a normal person again. It gets a little chilly, and some people start looking at me... I guess that will do. I start walking back.