If You Give A Toon A Vigilante...

What are you?

Felicia arrived at Noir's apartment at about 7pm, much earlier than normal. "Hey Spider-Boy, need help with the schooling or can you pull yourself away so we can take down Carnage? He's causing quite the ruckus" Felicia asked. Noir smiled slightly. "Of course...but it's Spider-Man" Noir laughed, already in full costume. Ham was awake now "Is that your inside joke or something? Because I don't get it." Ham chuckled. Felicia stared at Peter Porker. "Is that one of your friends from Florida?" Felicia asked. "Another dimension...so basically" Noir chuckled. "I'm kind of like your universe's Totem-chosens by the fact that I can Web-sling, wall-crawl, And sense things comin at me" Ham started. Noir smirked "But you can't control spiders?" "No...can you guys?" Ham asked. "I can't, he can" Felicia said, still a little in shock that a pig was talking to her. "Let's suit him up for this universe" Noir smiles. Ham squealed a little in excitement. "You bring a tape measure?" Noir asked. "Yep, always. Just in case my costume busts a seam" Felicia said, taking out a 100m tape measure. Noir grinned and was handed the tape. He measured Ham and started sewing up a grey mask out of one of his turtlenecks and Felicia gave him a gray jumpsuit to put on. "Turn around for a second" Noir told Ham, who complied. Noir drew a symbol much like the '67 Spider-Man's symbol on his upper abdomen except it was black, had 4 red eyes, and had two pig ears attached. He drew the web design on the jumpsuit with Ham's full cooperation as Felicia got dressed and they were ready to go. "Peter Porker, you will go by The Lampona in this universe" Felicia told him, Ham understanding he couldn't use his actual hero name, but rather a different Spider name. "I like it" Ham smiles. "Come on, Before Carnage destroys the city!" Noir rushed them. Noir grabbed onto Felicia's side and thwipped away followed by Ham. "Where to, Widow?" Noir asked. "The Black Cat" She replied. "I understand your concern" he sighed. "So who's this Carnage guy?" Ham asked, continuously thwipping in sync with Noir. "He's a monster that manifested into a different side of a friend" Felicia replied sadly. "I see" Ham sighed. Noir landed on the roof of The Black Cat, followed by Ham. "What the shit?!" Ham exclaimed, covering his mouth as he's not used to swearing. Noir was frozen, as he saw Carnage bite off the head of an innocent man. "Peter?" Felicia asked. No response, just tears. "PETER!" Felicia yelled. Noir sniffled a little. "Yeah?" He asked. "Are you sure you can do this? Tonight?" Felicia asked. Noir nodded. "I just can't go after our main threat, I can take out some of his goons" he replied calmly as one could be after being thrown back into reality. "Lampona" Felicia started. "Hm?" Ham tilted his head. "Let's go" She said, front-flipping off the roof and right in front of Carnage. "Eddie, it's Felicia, please come and see what Carnage has done" She said calmly. "My name is not Eddie" Carnage glared at her, he had a thick German accent. "My name is Carnage, and I'm here to bring some of it" Carnage was wearing a red patched up suit, a red scarf, and a swastika on his left arm. "Step aside little girl, you don't know what you're doing" Carnage chuckled. "We'll see about THAT, won't we?!" Ham yelled, hitting Carnage in the back of the head with his hammer. "Did I damage his cortex?" He asked Felicia. "Maybe, But we cant be for sure" Felicia replied. Carnage then grabbed Ham by the throat. Noir jumps in and kicks Carnage in the face, dropping Ham. Both the spiders tie him up for a while. "You are disrespecting our leader!" Carnage shouted. "Your leader, sure. But we don't intentionally kill in my universe" Ham told Carnage. "Especially for different cultural belief, asshole" Felicia added. Noir crossed his arms. "So...good cop bad cop?" He turned to Felicia and Ham. Felicia nodded slightly. Ham stayed watch. "Alright, bub you want some water or something? Because we might be here for a while" Noir said. Carnage shook his head. Felicia got up in Carnage's Face. "ALRIGHT PUNK! IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING, I WILL SMASH YOUR KNEECAPS!" Felicia yelled. Ham tensed up slightly. "I was merely doing my job." Carnage replied. "Eating heads is your job? Odd job description I bet" Noir said. "I was enforcing the will of-" Carnage was then smacked across the face by Felicia, her glove claws scratching his cheek. "AGH!" He yelled. "The will of Hitler, right?" Felicia growled. "Well I was dishonorably discharged from The Third Reich." Carnage said. "Third Reich?" Noir asked followed by Carnage's silence. "ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Felicia yelled putting a boot heel on Carnage's left knee. "It's a group of Nazis, is that better? Filthy Arachnids." Carnage growled. Felicia looked to Noir and he nodded slightly. Felicia lifted her heel off of Carnage. "OH THANK GOD!" Carnage yelled. "Give us Eddie back, or I won't hesitate to make you paralyzed" Felicia threatened. Slowly Carnage's mannerisms changed. "Ugh my head...guys what happened? WHY IS THAT ON MY ARM?!" Eddie asked fearfully. "Carnage took over, Eddie." Felicia said untying Eddie and ripping off the swastika. Eddie grabbed a lighter and burned it. "Hey who's that guy?" Eddie asked pointing to Ham. "I'm the Lampona!" Ham said confidently. "He's a Spider-Totem-Chosen, like me" Noir stated followed by Noir, Ham, and Eddie's Spider-senses going off. "You're like me" Eddie said to Noir and Ham. Dumbfounded Ham said "well...welcome to the club" Eddie chuckled at the remark. "Maybe you could make this trio a quartet." Felicia said. "Well...I'll have to talk to everyone about this" Eddie sighed. "Ok first off, skip Carnage." Ham said. "Why? We're a team." Eddie asked. "Is becoming a member of the Third Reich behind your back what a team does?!" Ham pressed on. "No, especially since Venom nor I believe that the Nazi's are Good people. They are cold blooded fascists." Eddie states. "I talked to Venom last night, he told me he was working for Octavius just for the money, and he even regrets some of the murders he's done" Eddie said, confidently. "Well then ask Venom, ok bud?" Noir asked. "Alright, Spider" he turned to Felicia. "You got the keys?" He asked. "Unfortunately no, but I can get Felicia to open the doors for you." Felicia said. "Alright I'll wait then" Eddie said, smiling. "Lampona stay with him while I go get her, Spider go home and get some rest" Felicia ordered. "Why do I have to go home?" Noir asked. "To finish your papers." Felicia replied. "Right, right. Abyssinia guys" Noir said, thwipping home. "So you know him on a personal level?" Eddie asked. "Yep, But Lampona is new, and only Spider knows him well" Felicia replied, climbing up to her own balcony. "I'll go get her" she said running. "What's your story, Lampona?" Eddie asked. "Well it's weird" Ham replied. "Bitten by a spider, trance, you know" Ham chuckled. "So a pig was bitten by one of the retributions and given human sentience...fascinating" Eddie replied. "Uh...yeah pretty much" Ham said. Felicia opened the doors as herself. "Eddie, welcome!" Felicia said with a smile. "Where's White Widow?" Eddie asked. "She just went home, I'm sorry Eddie" Felicia replied. "Ah well could you tell her thank you when she comes back?" Eddie asked. "Of course" Felicia replied leading Eddie into The Black Cat. Ham thwipped back to Noir's apartment. "Eddie is in The Black Cat now" Ham said, taking off his mask. Naturally, Noir was in pajamas finishing up his biology assignment. "Great" Noir smiled, putting his pencil down. "You done with that?" Ham asked. "Yeah, just answered the last of 32 questions" Noir sighed. "Sounds like a test" Ham chuckled. "I'm in an advanced biology course, there's going to be more questions." Noir replied. "Well what do you wanna be?" Ham asked. "I want to make biotechnology that will pull the future closer, I also want more money and food so science is the way to go" Noir replied. "I see. Back in my universe it doesn't matter if you're in The Swinester Six or a photographer, you basically have infinite money" Ham said. "Lucky" Noir snorted. "Bad part about that is The Swinester Six is powerful because of the basically infinite cash" Ham replied, letting out a huff of contempt. "If I ever go to your universe, I will show them what for" Noir smiled. "With Mayday And I?" Ham asked. " "Course" Noir said, lying down on his bed again. "I'll sleep on the couch again, goodnight, Love" Ham said. "L-Love?!" Noir exclaimed, but Ham being the cartoon he is was already knocked out. "Murder..." Noir muttered, then he drifted off to sleep.