Brown Eyes And A Heartbeat

10- The Haunting Memories

If I am holding you without hands, how am I supposed to let you go?

August was the hardest month to go through. School was creeping right around the corner and I was worried. I knew this year would be diffrent. Yet I couldn't denfine diffrent.

I spent August sitting on the floor, not knowing how to be something he misses. God...I never imagined we'd end like this. I had thousands of scenarios in my mind of how Dylan Carson and I would end but not this. We were literally fading into oblivion. And yet I loved him.

I didn't know where I was going with my life. Hell! I didn't even have plans for the next day. And I couldn't make any promises. Not to myself nor him. Not even metaphorically since it would actually require him to be here. But I did know one thing. No matter where I'd be, where I'd feel or who I'd become, it would always begin and end with him.

I still remembered the swing in his step... The life of the party and him showing off again. I remembered how I rolled my eyes at him a lot because he did a lot of stupid stuff. I loved when he did stupid stuff. I loved the ridiculous way he held his bag. I loved the weird way he walked with his hands in his pockets. That's why some times memories are the worst kind of torture. Memories are hunting. They're hard to be rid of. And they fight their way to the surface when you are least expecting them, hitting harder than ever, every single time. Memories are dangerous and there's absolutely no way to forget. They're always there, right around the corner, waiting for the perfect moment to surface. And every time these memories are playing in my head I can only come up with one conclusion.

Our souls fell in love, but our egos broke us up. But how do you say goodbye when your heart still wants to hold on? I mean, I've already established that the little shit is a traitor. So I don't think I have much control over the matter.

I've only ever been broken pieces. But he somehow found a way to put those pieces back together and create a beautiful mosaic. He was my proof that not all touches leave scars. He taught me that love wasn't supposed to hurt. Even with him gone, I still believed that. I always thought that warmth meant burning but I was so wrong. I used to lose myself in people that could only ever destroy me. And the story would always end with either breaking a heart or ending up with a broken one. But then he came along and introduced me to an entirely different world that I didn't even think existed. And now that he's gone, that world just keeps getting duller.

I spent August watching his life without me in pictures like I used to watch him sleep (in the library because maths has that effect on people). And I felt him forget me like I used to feel him breathe. And I had to keep up with all of my friends just to know how he's doing.

An sometimes as I sat there listening to every song that talked about our story, I couldn't help but let myself miss him. And I wondered if loving him was a mistake that I should be sorry for committing. But then I remember that I learned to never apologize for the way I loved someone. A soul out there could be dying for that kind of love.

The moment I met him it was as if our souls connected. It was as if I discovered the purpose of my life. And once you love someone honestly, truly, you never stop loving them. You only find someone that you will love more. At that time your old love will not feel as strong as it once was. But it is a heart, it will never let you forget something that ever made you happy. And I knew that was the truth. A love that real doesn't just go away. It doesn't simply disappear. It's always there, hidden in the deepest corners of your soul waiting to surface again... Or maybe not. Maybe it stays hidden because we know that the story is over and that finally there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. But it's always there. Especially if the person you love made you happy.

But love is not supposed to be a walk in the park. It's not always going to be rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes it's just rain. And sometimes it's a storm. After all, love means unconditional love despite the pain, you'd reason.

But the pain sometimes is too much. Even the pain of just missing someone. Something like the way I was feeling. I never would've thought that missing someone could hurt that much. There were some nights that I'd forget that I lost Dylan Carson. Some other time the intensity of the pain would be unbearable that I wouldn't be able to breathe. And God I'd cry. I'd cry and hope for one more time. One more chance so I would say goodbye properly. Not just give him a pitiful smile and a wave. I knew that at least then I'd feel better. I'd know that I said goodbye.

But this... Not knowing what the hell was going. That was simply too confusing. It required emotions. And I was emotionally dead. Well maybe apart from the part where I said I loved Dylan... and missed him and was sad that he's gone. But that's exactly my point!! I didn't want to feel those stuff but I couldn't do anything about it. My heart was doing things that I didn't want him to do. It's spinning out of control. Feeling everything and anything. That's not fair. And feeling stuff gives me endless headaches that I don't want nor need. Actually, life in general gives me a headache but I, apparently, can't even control my own organs, let alone life.

I just hope that the sun would shine. And it's a beautiful day. And something reminds him of all the memories we'd made together.  He'd wish he fought for me. He could always plan for a change in weather and time. But again this is all wishful thinking. Because I didn't plan on him changing his mind.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

I didn't post for the past few days because... Well I have no idea? I totally blame The Vampire Diaries. I just finished season 5 and started season 76 and I can tell y'all. I've been crying a lot. Honestly can you even blame me? If my life is dramatic Elena Gilbert's a plain tragedy. Well what about you heartbreakers!! Do you like TVD? And if you do who's your favourite character?  Let me know in the comments.  Damon and Klaus are my fave. Because obviously I'm attracted to hot villains with light eyes, sexy accents, a dark sense of humor and perfect sarcasm.
Till next chapter.
Xx Roumy.