I'll Be

Chapter Twenty: Silas

I sat in Sawyer’s car, and we drove.

            We drove, and we drove, and we drove.

            We made it all the way to Golden before I turned down Man Overboard’s Heart Attack.

            Sawyer wasn’t angry anymore; he wasn’t sad either. His face was just…vacant. Which was almost worse.

            “Where are we going?” I asked softly.

            He took a deep breath, “Vail. Or Silverthorne. I hadn’t decided.”

            “Mom said Vail was beautiful.” I looked at him, “But I have always wanted to see the Ice Castles.”

            He slowed the car down, and said, “You choose. Anywhere you want, we’ll go.”

            “Vail.” I replied, trying to smile “I want to go to Vail.”

            “Okay.” He said, “Then that’s where we’ll go.”

            We made the turn down the highway, and when we’d made it a short way, Sawyer finally spoke.

            “When I was growing up,” He said, keeping his eyes on the road, “I always thought of my dad as a superhero. That he was like…indestructible, you know?”

            I hummed, and he continued, “But when I was about ten, he started to become more human to me. I could see that something was wrong, even though my mom didn’t say anything. He wasn’t playing his guitar as much, he was home a lot more, and he wasn’t really helping my brothers the way that he used to, when they were home.” I remained silent, even though I knew he could tell that I was listening; “By the time I was fourteen, he’d barely get out of his chair in the living room. One day, when I came home from school, I realized that my dad hadn’t gotten out of bed the entire day. It was so unlike him. So I asked my mom, who said that we needed to have a family discussion.”

            My throat felt swollen; I didn’t know what was coming next, or what this had to do with Sawyer and me.

            “We all sat together, in the living room, when he told us.” He looked over his shoulder, merging “He’d gone to the doctor a few months back, and they’d diagnosed him with something called Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Lou Gherig’s Disease.”

            My stomach knotted. No. No.

            I forced out the words, “I’m so sorry, Sawyer.”

            “It was slow, and painful.” He sighed, “Eventually, he couldn’t walk. He had trouble speaking, and eventually, after a long while, he couldn’t breathe on his own.”

            He took a deep, shaky breath, “He’d lost the ability to speak, and couldn’t communicate with us. The doctor’s said that was the worst part; his brain was still moderately active, but that he couldn’t speak or interact with us. He passed away just before my sophomore year.”

            I took his hand, kissing every finger, holding it close to me. I could hardly bear it.

            “Around that same time, I’d started experiencing these weird spasms.” He said softly, “When I played, my hand would twitch if I’d been going for a few hours. It was all just stiffness and constantly being tired. But then one day, when I was grabbing something for my mom upstairs, I tripped. I fell, and I hit my head pretty hard. So we went to the doctor, and they confirmed it; early-onset ALS.”

            I curled up into the chair, the tears soaking into my jeans. My Sawyer, my beautiful Sawyer.

            He pulled off the road, into a small town with a gas station, a general store, and one restaurant. When he stopped the car, I opened the door, feeling sick.

            After a few minutes, I shut the door. Looking out the window, I saw that it was beginning to snow.

            “How long does it take?” I asked, sniffling “How long does it take to catch up with you?”

            He had tears in his eyes, “A while. I’m not going to die tomorrow, if that’s what you’re thinking. They say I’ve still got a good twenty-some years left. I mean, it’s not ideal, but it’s not the be-all, end-all.”

            I closed my eyes, “Then why does it feel like it is?”

            “Because you’re scared.” He said, turning toward me “Because we’re both scared.”

            I leaned over, kissing him carefully. I opened my eyes, and whispered, “I love you.”

            “I will always love you.” He said back.

            We sat, kissing, for what felt like forever.

            Our own little forever.