I've never been to Disney World. So I maybe going a little overboard on all the details I'm writing into my logbook. But I don't care, I want this trip to be the best trip ever. I just hope I'll be to record everything with my camera.
I've been wanting to write in here for the last three weeks. I am a little discouraged that no one else has written in here in the past month. I just feel all empty because it's like they don't even care. They could at least a little. I was planning on paying this whole trip for them. So not hearing what they think about this is like a slap to the face, especially with Natalie. My best friend, who I miss dearly and just want to do this trip to see her again, hasn't responded to any of my messages in months. She didn't even reply to the birthday meetings I sent her. This trip may not even happen because I lose my job. I do have the minimum amount I need for the trip, but because I'm unemployed that money will most likely be used to pay my bills until I get another job. I really wanna go on this trip, My last few birthdays were let downs. My sweet 16, no one came. Which made things very awkward and embarrassing for me to my family because I hired a DJ and got a lot of pizza and snacks. The eighteenth birthday planned to have ten people come and to have a sleepover afterward. But only two came and neither spend the night. I didn't even bother inviting friends on my twentieth birthday. I just want my family to be there. Only two of my aunts and a few cousins came. You know you have issues when out even your family comes to birthday. I have tried to keep my Disney spirit up if not anything else. I did finish a family drawing of us going down Splash mountain.
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But it just made me realize how alone I am. On my family vacation, when we had split up the second time, I was alone. And this isn't the first time. When I was at Disneyland for an orchestra field trip in the seventh grade, no one wanted me in a group with them. So I had to be with a teacher and she was not happy, kept calling me incompetent and that the situation was ridiculous. And that was at a time when my self-confidence was completely low. Even though I was alone when I went to Mickey's Halloween Party, I felt like I could have had more fun with someone by my side. Sure, it's the happiest place on earth, and I like to be alone most of the time. But I don't want to be alone in the happiest place on earth. If I was local, I wouldn't have this problem because I can go whenever I want to. But it's going away far home that makes me feel this way. If I go to a place that people I know are there, I have no issues. But if I don't, I can't go alone. My anxiety makes me think that something bad is gonna happen. Whenever I go somewhere that suppose to be fun by myself, I feel like a total loser. Like with Comicon and the Hunter X Hunter: The Last Mission movie screening. I try to make it fun, like how Mary and Miss Piggy do in The Muppets 2011, but we all know that's not how it works. It can for some people, but not for me.
All I want is to go to Disneyland to celebrate my special day. I don't really see E wanting to go for their birthday. They prefer Six Flags, so I shouldn't force them to go. And I think it would just be awkward if I went with another member of my family. So I'm kinda stuck, but I'll keep trying.
