The feelings I'm feeling are all over the place. I'm really jumpy and don't like being on my own. It's been 2 weeks since the rape now Shay stays with me practically every night. I get sick of it sometimes but when she goes and I'm on my own I get all panicky and have a panic attack. I get them all the time now. The doctor has given me anti depressants and sleeping tablets but I don't take them. I need to think straight. They still havent been able to catch my rapist yet but they are checking all security cameras from around the area. I've dropped out of my studies because I don't like being in crowds. Everyone steares at me when I go out well that is what it feels like.
It's been a month now and they called today to let me know that they have a suspect in custody. I've been asked to look at a couple of mug shots to see if I recognise him. I look at the mug shots all of them a a no until the last one it's him. I start to sweat my breathing becomes shallow oh no I'm having a panic attack again. I fee sick I start to heave but nothing is coming out. You see I can't eat I very rarely sleep and my mom and dad walk on egg shells around me the only one that treats me halfway normal is Shay and that's only because I shouted at her not to treat me different because everyone is.
His name is David Johnson he's 23 years old. He has pleaded guitly to my rape so at least I don't have to face him. It's been 9 months since the rape and I still have nightmares but not as bad. Shay still comes by every night after work to see how I am io still see the others but they never know how to act around me. Jason cried for weeks after what happend because he felt guilty and moved away to live with his aunt and uncle. I don't blame any off my friends for what happened to me it was just one of those unfortunate things that happen. I've been to see a councillor but she just pisses me off. Telling to tell me that its very unusual for someone not to blame the people who were supposed to protect her but it was just as much my fault for leaving the club without looking for them properly . So if we play the blame game I'm at the top of the list too. I've tried to go out but it freaked me out I was out for an hour or so. Shay was at my side all the time so was Kelly and Jason who is now back at his parents because we had a little talk well I talked he listened. People say that I'm strong but I'm not. It's took alot to get to where I am today but I have wonderful friends and sisters. Let's just say that my sister actually got held in contempt of court because she jumped the court barrier and punched my rapist in the face while screaming that when he gets out she is going to rip off his penis and shove it s far up his ass that he will be tasting it for weeks. Well that's my sister for you never one to mince her words I did have to laugh at that.
It's been 10 years since my rape. I don't know how long he got for my rape and I don't care . About five years ago he sent me a letter through my solicitor which I read and then burnt. Why you ask because although he raped me I forgave him along time ago why well. What's the point in hanging on to bad and negative feelings they just bring you down. Shay and the gang come round to mine once a week for a meal and a drink with their partners and me well I got a happy ending too. I'm seeing Jason well we live together we have been together for 5 years he's my whole world and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. We've got a little girl now who's 6 months old and things are going great.
The worst part of being raped is how people look at you and act around you. Yes being raped nearly killed me I had some very dark times but I had people around me that helped and didn't run when the things got tough. So for all of you who have experience this PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING TO HARM YOURSELF EVEN IF IT SEEMS HOPELESS TALK TO SOMEONE TELL THEM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL DON'T SHUT DOWN SCREAM INTO A PILLOW HIT A PUNCHBAG KICK SOME ASS ? YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT LOOK AT ME? I'VE MADE IT JUST LIVE LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME .
