Searching for Something

Chapter One

I will never fully be able to comprehend what puts people in these moods to create these things that we call a masterpiece.  What makes a masterpiece? Who decides if something deserves that label? Who is to say that something that I think is a masterpiece is the same for you? What was the first masterpiece to come about in our existence? Was it just a man who decided that this is how it will be from now on, or was it a female, placing the name to something that she adored. Is it one of those things that just comes around after time, or is it something that as a collective we have had a mutual agreement upon? 

I have always been the type of person who would snap themselves back into reality the minute that something started to feel great. I don't think I have ever been able to just 'go with the flow', that is what my mum would try tell me the minute I began to panic at the sensation of something even remotely going the right way. Nor have I ever been able to just throw my whole heart and soul into doing just one great thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the minute I start something, I would usually be finishing it before it is even complete. Before I am able to learn something more about me.

I like to think that my life will someday go as it does in the movies, or the mushy romance novels that we all love to read. Maybe I am just this way because I haven't found something that inspires me, or rather someone. But life doesn't go that way, I am not going to trip over my own foot as I walk down the street one day as I have so conveniently just decided to give up on everything and then oh, lucky me, a tall handsome stranger would just be there to catch me right before I fall and cause any more damage to my atrocious, yet for some reason he just so happens to think it's beautiful, face. And yes, he does have to be tall AND a he! I have never been interested in the opposite sex, I knew that for a fact from a very young age and I like to think I have been smart enough to not have to ever 'test the waters'. I trust myself.

I will get somewhere with this eventually I promise, but by now hopefully you can see what I mean. I ramble too much and I think far too much for my own good. Maybe I do just have to accept that from now on I will be on my own. Don't get me wrong, I won't shy away from the touch of a lover, but perhaps the mental side of it just isn't in the cards for me, just the physical game. There is nothing so bad about that. I like the sound of my own voice enough to handle it I think, I prefer to get things done on my own, even if I do go a little stir crazy at 3 AM after having the same conversation with the several other voices inside my head three times over. 

I'm not complaining though, I just think it is time for me to come to realization of these problems that I have and maybe muster up the courage to change them? I mean for goodness sake, I am not getting any younger, 27 and I have never even left my state! I am working in a bar at the moment, and I honestly think that is the most exciting thing to have happened to me this bloody far, how fucking sad is that! It has something to do with commitment, that scares me and I don't think there was anything that really caused it, I have just grown up cautious. I've never used the 'L' word, and I don't think I ever will. I mean I love my mum and I love my grandma, but to actually feel that love that you read about, do you actually think it happens to everyone? And if you have any advise as to how to figure out the career side of things, I am all ears. But the thought of being stuck, doing the same fucking thing every single day, doing the same fucking person every single day. I need to stop before I cause myself to have a fucking panic attack!

That's why I am enjoying the bar so much, every night there are new things happening, new conversations had with brand new people, and the best part you ask? It's the only bar in our small town that is open to absolutely everyone. So you can imagine the eye candy that comes through, the eye candy that are there purely for the free drinks that the sleaze balls willingly buy them for the small chance that they will grind up against them for the 10 minutes that it takes them to finish the drink and then on to the next. And lucky me, I am the one that gets to serve them these drinks! Most nights end with me going home with someone who has had perhaps a tad too much to drink, all thanks to me, and usually they are willing to thank me for that, if you get what I mean. Hopefully you don't, is it too late for me to take that part out?

Any way, I vow to be completely honest and open with you and hopefully, putting this much trust into you will encourage me to keep writing. We can sort out my commitment issues together, maybe you could even point something out along the way that I don't even know about me yet. I promise to keep at it until I have figured this whole like shit out, and I hope you can stick around for my sake. I know what you are thinking, 'why don't you just go to a therapist?', do you think we are all rich Carol? I would if I could bloody afford it! And at least this way, if I don't like what you say, I can always delete the comment!