- j o u r n a l -

healing

I want to do my best, to not let my family down, to be present, to be happy, to live properly for once.

I want to live in the sun

So I will, starting with an apology and a Thankyou.

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God you have dealt with my shit for a very, very long time. From a time we barely remember to a clifftop reconnect and right up to sleepovers when I'm afraid to face the night alone. You are a a pillar that helps keeps my world standing, without you I'm sure to be crushed by the rubble of the past. You've helped me rebuild myself, how many times now? Hopefully this time my foundations will be made on sandstone rather than sand. Promise you'll never let go of my hand, keep a firm and steady grip on me, and I promise in return to never fall off that cliff again. This is it, the path to the sun, I want to walk it with you... and my family.

〰️

I'm sorry for being unfair to you in the beginning, but I know you're a gentleman, the epitome of elegance and bravery. You've saved him more than once, I was always thankful for that, for you loving him the way he should have always been loved. He deserves the world and I know you give it to him ever day. And now you've saved me too, thank you. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me, damn bastard. We're almost family now, I'll never forget all you've done for both of us. I'm glad to call you a friend now, and soon an in law.

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And you... you were always there, the sunshine splitting through the haze of smog that surrounded me for years. A gentle touch, sensitive and caring compared to the heavy-handedness I'm used to. You're the only person who has never asked me to change at all, you accepted me instantly, wrapped your arms around me and hugged tightly - holding all my broken pieces together without complaint or pity. Thank you.

You are special to me in a way I can't seem to articulate yet, I'll get there eventually I promise. But for now....

〰️