Pride~JeffBurrMads & Lams (On Hiatus)

Control

Art by Violet-Madness
~~
Alexander POV:

It was nice to finally have control over my life.

For most of my life, I had no control. I had no control over my father leaving me and my family. I had no control of my mother dying from sickness. I had no control over the hurricane that destroyed my hometown. I had no control over becoming an orphan.

Everyday I lived had been a painful reminder. There was no brother to wake me up in the morning. No mom who would make her special Nevis-originated meals. And well, I really had no memory of my dad. He left quickly after I was born. I did have foster parents, but I would never stop missing my original mom and brother. And my new foster parents weren't as accepting like my original family was. Everyday had been a painful reminder that I had no control over my life.

But now, I had control over my life. In middle school, I acted like the tough kid that no one should mess with. And no one did mess with me and try to screw up my life anymore. So, I continued acting like the tough kid. I would tease kids and bully them if they got in my way. I knew it wasn't right, but it felt so good. No one tried to strike me down. They were to afraid to. And I stayed happily in control.

Until, one person walked into my life.

Aaron Burr.

I couldn't help but fall in love with him. He was cute and smart. Kind and thoughtful. He had cute quirks like how he talked to himself when he was nervous. And he had this smile that would light up the room. Although, it was a very rare smile, a smile full of happiness, and he never smiled that smile unless he was really happy about something.

I wanted him.

But I couldn't be with him. I would only get hurt by being with him.

I had extremely homophobic adoptive parents. I loved them with all my heart, but they would not approve of me being bi. And if they found out that I had a boyfriend, they would most likely disown me. I would be sent to an orphanage and most likely never get adopted. In other words,

I would lose control of my life.

And if people in the middle school figured out I had a boyfriend, I would be teased, bullied, or worse for being gay. Then, once again, my life would spin out of control. My life would become terrible, a life that would be hard to live for me.

The thing is

I knew Aaron had a crush on me too.

So, I decided to make him hate me. I decided to push him away so he would lose his feelings for me. And maybe I would lose my feelings for him.

Then, I tried to make myself straight, more or less.

I put away all my homosexual thoughts. And after the first year of middle school was over, I begged my foster dad to send me to a conversion camp for the summer. He agreed and said he was so happy to have a son who wanted to stay loyal to God.

I obeyed all the rules at the conversion camp. I always kept what they told me in my mind. But, I didn't feel like myself anymore.

That doesn't matter, Alex. All that matters is that you have control over your life. Things will now happen when you want them to happen.
-
What Alex could never grasp, is that life is uncontrollable.
-
The day before the first day of high school (9th grade.)

I was walking around town. I always liked to take walks because I felt free when I did. No one told where you walked to. You could walk wherever you pleased.

I decided to walk to my favorite cafe. I was ordering black coffee, when I heard the bell for the door chime and turn around to see who was there.

Woah, she is hot.

She had really curly hair tied back in a ponytail. She had freckles that were spread out across her face and kind brown eyes. She was wearing a short bright pink dress and had on bright red high heels. She was also wearing bright red lip stick and black eyeliner.

After grabbing my coffee I walked up to her and greeted her, "Hey."

"Uhh hi," she replied. She had a different voice than I would have expected, it was much more boy-like, but I didn't think much of it. Even though her voice was boyish, it was also really hot.

"Would you like to sit and chat with me, miss?" I said sweetly. She had this dumbstruck look on here face for a second, but it quickly went away.

"Uh ok," she answered. I softly grabbed her arm and lead her to a booth. We chatted for quite a while. I stared at her beautiful features while we talked, mostly her eyes. They were a soft brown that seemed so caring. I would have stared into them forever, but the girl eventually had to go. I said my goodbyes and handed her my phone number I wrote down on a piece of paper. I hope she calls me. I think I am starting to really like her. She then left the cafe. I sat there just thinking about her for a while. She was really hot.

Then, I realized something. I hadn't even gotten her name. Wow. How smart I am.

I guess I could just ask her whenever she called me. I hope that she even calls me.

The first day of high school.

I walked into history class. I had arrived early and I was eager to learn. History and Law were some of my favorite subjects. The teacher was sitting in front. He welcomed me.

"Hello, I am Mr.Washington and welcome to history class." He smiled and reached out his hand. He seemed like a kind and laidback teacher.

"Alexander Hamilton," I said and shook his hand.

"I hope you enjoy my class."

"I hope I do, too." I replied, smirking.

I took a seat in the second row and waited for people to arrive. After ten minutes, people started showing up. One group of people caught my eye. It was a group of three. One tall with frizzy brown hair in a ponytail. One bulky with a bandana covering his hair and one who had so many freckles and curly brown hair. He looked kind of like the girl I talked to yesterday, except without the boobs.

He took a seat next to me and his friends sat on the other side of him. I tuned out the voices around me and focused on that guy. I just stared at him. His resemblance to the girl yesterday just threw me off. Thank goodness he hasn't noticed me staring at him yet.

Then I heard Mr. Washington say, "This first class will just be used for you guys to get to know each other. Walk around the room. Greet other people. Make friends." Yes! I get to talk to that guy!

I stood up immediately and walked over to him. "Hi, what's your name?" I asked.

His face held a look of shock and panic. "Uhhhhh...John Laurens."

"I'm Alexander Hamilton. Ya know you look a lot like a girl I talked to yesterday." I believed that being straightforward with him was the best idea.

He definitely looked scared, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...It was probably just someone who looks-"

"So, is this the guy who you met at the cafe yesterday, John?" The bulky guy said coming up behind John. He rested his head on John's shoulder and raised his eyebrows up and down. The tallest one of their group just stayed back and watched, laughing.

John jumped and swatted him away. "Nonononono, I-"

"So you are the girl from yesterday?" I questioned. I don't know why he would pretend to be a girl.

John gave up. "Yeah, I was that 'girl' you saw yesterday." I now wondered why he would agree to chat with me at the cafe.

"Why were you dressed like a girl?" I asked. I had begun to like the girl from yesterday, but now knowing she is actually a he, that changes things. Or does it? I pushed away the thought.

"I lost a bet."
~~
Sorry this took so long to publish. This chapter just feels so jumbled and unorganized to me so I kept rewriting it. I still don't like how it turned out but whatever.