Captivating

Chapter One

Toronto, Canada. In simple terms, I despised it. It had the same faces, the same attitudes, and the same ideas. I was bored, to say the least. My mind could no longer entertain itself in such a close minded world. My eager and busy mind desired much more, for I knew there was more to life than what I was so used to. So- after high school, I sought for more. I wanted to venture elsewhere and experience new things. But due to tuition costs, I had to settle with moving as far as Vancouver. A beautifully crowded city with endless possibilities and vastly busy lives. Itself symbolized new beginnings and hope for me. It was so unmistakably similar to Toronto, but to me, it was so much more— it had so much more potential. And here, so did I.

Or so, this was my mindset up until the first day of college was due to begin. Such a big city with big opportunities. But it really couldn't be that easy, could it? -Big city, big population, big schools = SCARY FIRST COLLEGE EXPERIENCE. I am literally shaking in my boots. This is great. Why didn't I think this through? Wow...great going. Yeah, college will be so great and fun when I'm surrounded by all this positive energy and new beginnings- oh bullshit. I puffed disappointedly and searched for my new home; a dorm I will be sharing with other students. I'm very nervous about this, but grateful it is mandatory. If I wasn't forced to make friends, I know I probably wouldn't d make any at all. I truly enjoy people- but people typically don't seem to enjoy me.

Honestly, I'm average. Unimportant, replaceable, expendable. I hold no significant value in anyone's lives. Not my family's, not the few friends I have, no one. Simply myself. This is a philosophy that took me years to grasp. People and relationships are never guaranteed, nor is your life. People can leave you, but you can never leave yourself. And that is why ultimately you must love yourself first. And although I say that I do- I'm afraid having one's own back and loving ones self are two entirely different concepts that I have yet to grasp. But self love and morality are forever a work in progress that can only be improved through time and sincerity.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

I tried my hardest not to lose myself entirely in my thoughts as I stopped to the door of the dorm room. It was plain and sat in the middle of a long hall that stretched farther than I could see. I knocked. Okay - just don't be awkward, don't second guess anything, be polite, don't overthink. The door opened.

"Hi, I'm Yoonah. I think I live here too." I smiled as politely as I could. A beautiful girl with short brown hair and gleaming green eyes smiled at me. Honestly not to sound gay- but I don't believe in sexuality. It's like a spectrum. For example, I'm probably 60% "straight" 40% "gay...." I was abruptly interrupted from my thoughts.

"Hi, yeah you do!" She giggled, "I'm Maddison, but you can call me Maddi!" She moved aside and welcomed me in. The dorm was absolutely adorable. Small, but cozy and classy. It had three bedrooms, a kitchen, a living space, and a bathroom. We all shared the place, and lived two to each bedroom. Maddi welcomed me to the rest of our roommates. She introduced me to Marianna, Cora, Sorene, and told me our final roommate, Hanami, would return later. Throughout moving in they occasionally checked in, asking if I needed help. So far they proved to be very kind people.

After an incredibly long day of setting up my side of the room and getting somewhat acquainted with them, I was insanely tired. After showering and getting ready for bed, I lie down to sleep. However, I did not sleep. Despite the welcoming and helpfulness from my new roomates, that's all it was. Just a mere kind gesture. Besides their kindness, they treated me like everyone else. As if I'm just another object, with no voice, no story. They talked amongst themselves as if I was not there and did not exist. They would acknowledge my comments, but would only continue to talk about themselves. It was like watching a pack of wolves fight over a carcass. Except my roommates were the wolves, and the carcass was everyone else's attention. And no one even cared to ask about me. I know you may think it is too soon to judge, but I am quick to pick up on such a horribly familiar feeling; as if I am invisible. I make no particular impact, and I could just be disposed at any time and there would be no difference. If they had a different roommate, they would not care. I know— my thoughts are ridiculous. I worry about such uncontrollable things that wouldn't matter to anyone else. But I fight this often, and my mind is my biggest enemy. I don't know why, but it is incessant. I am always thinking about something. Things that are irrelevant, things that do not directly affect me. But I battle with this daily, and always get lost in my thoughts. Whether they are good or bad. Eventually, I got so lost within my thoughts, they formulated to dreams and I began to lose my self in those.