uhh it's currently ayas gonna spew random bullshit hours yee fucking haw. i don't wanna say any of this to an actual person but i wanna let it out so ! haha yeah
i am the most mediocre student it's honestly kind of funny. like I could easily get pretty much all a's but I'm fucking lazy and I don't try so I pass with mostly c's and b's and uhhh the big fat f I have in algebra yayeet. I have an algebra quiz tomorrow too that I didn't know about bc I wasn't at school today and bc,,, it was just spring break how tf does anyone expect me to remember that. I have no good reason to be upset about it but I'm gonna fail it akhdkdh. I honestly don't even really care about math anymore though. I've almost failed every math class I've ever had and I actually failed algebra last year. I failed the first semester of algebra this year and I'll probably fail this one too. I don't even care anymore. It's mostly stupid ass shit that won't fucking matter to me later anyways. When the fuck am I gonna just need to know how to graph something? n e v e r
uhhh besides that stuff uhh my brain has been doing the fast lately and it's really stressful but also not ?? Like at this point I just don't really care about anything cuz yknow shit happens so like it's not stressful but,, it is. Even making sure to reply to the two people that text me is too much ig ?? n I've been really insecure about my personality lately and it's really confusing. Always having that on my mind makes other shit stressful. I feel like I'm a really shitty person and I just don't see it. Like, I'm probably a horrible, inconsiderate, ungrateful piece of shit ?? Idk. I really want to change parts of my personality but I'm not really sure how to do that or even what I should change. I have a feeling that all of my friends secretly really dislike me too. Like I'm just not an enjoyable person to be around I guess. I say stupid things that I regret all the time, I'm unfunny, I need too much attention. They probably only hang out with me out of pity or the fact that it's kinda too late in the school year to decide not to be friends with someone so like ?? It'd be too awkward to just drop me right now. Never having actual friends, always losing people, and kinda being taken advantage of often probably makes me think a bunch of stupid shit that isn't true but whatever. Also ?? B R U H I'm s o fucking irritated with my friend right now. Honestly idek if I wanna call him my friend. So like, we didn't talk for a week and so I asked if I had done something wrong and he said no n that it was just bc he's been having not a great time lately n that's cool yknow that's okay I understand. But it's been almost three more weeks after all that and guess what ! we still have not spoken and he has a girlfriend now ?? I'm definitely not jealous, I'm just annoyed about it. Like, you don't say a word to me for a month but constantly post screenshots of funny conversations or calls with other friends, manage to get a girlfriend you probably don't even fucking like considering the entire reason you've been having "a rough time," and you ??? Like all my fucking posts while ignoring me ?? I'm not like sad he won't talk to me, I'm fed up with people not caring about me. Like b r u h if you don't wanna fucking talk to me anymore literally just say it. It's not like we're that close anyways. There's honestly so much about him that irritates me and I really should just drop him ?? I feel like I'm being dramatic about all of it but people keep repeatedly treating me like shit and I'm ! Tired ! Of ! It !
But basically he's still not over his ex from almost a year ago that he kept saying he was "aCtUalLy iN lOvE wITh!!1!" B R U H YOU ARE YOUNGER THAN ME !!!!!!! WE ARE CHILDREN YOURE NOT IN LOVE !!!!!!!1!1!!1!1 !! And so when I had asked if I did something wrong, he said he was still really upset over it and said that he !was not! looking for another relationship at the moment yet ?? A week later he has a girlfriend ?? N another thing is, while we would call each other he'd just start venting with absolutely no warning at all. Like I'm happy to try n help and listen but at least tell me before you go off. What REALLY bothers me is that he'd call me cute and be like oh I was thinking abt u the other day hahahhdhd n like not want me to hang up n all that gross shit ?? So like ?? This bitch just using other girls to get over his ex ?? Cool. I'm honestly not like, actually hurt by any of this lol. It kind of takes me a while to trust anyone and I haven't known him for long so like,, I don't really trust him so idk I don't care a whole whole bunch abt it. I'm probably just not gonna talk to him again because I don't wanna drag it out. a l s o he CONSTANTLY posts about his girlfriend and it's fucking annoying as HELL
But, even with all that, I really wanna make some new friends. I just feel like right now I'm way too selective and also my personality just sucks. Besides like one or two people rn I think are cool, I don't wanna make more online friends. I wanna talk to some people at concerts this summer to hopefully make some like minded friends but I'm horrible at social interactions so uhhh that should be a lot of fun 🤠 I love the friends I have right now but it really sucks not knowing anyone who likes the same stuff as you. I knew two people but one ghosted me and the other one was just a mess lol woops. Just feelin really lonely lately I guess? But again, it's been stressful even talking to two people lately so idk how I expect to make new friendships soon :/ I think I should take some time to myself to not worry about friendships or other people n just be kinda alone bc it'd be good for me but I also don't really want to do that. Idk lol I think I'm uhh done with this (thank god) so yeet
i think most of this journal thing is just gonna be me ranting about dumb shit that I don't wanna post on Instagram so skshdod it's not worth reading really. It's really messy and horribly written but that's just how it b yknow
