I feel like I should ask what's wrong. To go up, rub his back and ask him whats going on in his head. My minds telling me to show emotion, to show anything. I don't want to seem like I care, because I do. He'll never know. Damn, I don't even know.
I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I feel the bed shifting.
He starts walking to the door. Slowly, like he's taunting me. I immediately get out of my current position and make my way to him. "What are you doing?", I ask sounding like a needy child but I didn't care. I wanted him to stay. "I'm leaving." My heart feels something. Pain. Heartbreak. Confusion. But mostly anger. I haven't done anything and yet, he's leaving. This asshole that I love so much, is leaving. But he can. Because he's not mine. He can leave whenever he chooses.
"Why ?". I say with a little hurt in my voice. "You just got here and we still have 3 hours left before closing time." This isn't fair to me. I stayed up and prepared myself for him, just so he can abandon me. "Because I'm confused and I need to clear my head, I need to think about some things". He said with a stern voice, a voice that is new to me. A voice that brought chills down my spine.
"You can't just leave!" I yelled at him, something I've never done before. "You're just like the rest". But he isn't. I know that. My heart only craves him. He's all I think about and it makes my head feel like it's exploding. I need him but he'll never need me. "You think you can just leave without saying anything? Not even a hug or a kiss? You didn't even smack my ass!".
That was it. He throws his cigarette down. He turns around and I see something. His face. It turns dark. Before I knew it, he grabs me and throws me backwards where I land on the bed. I see anger. Like what I said made something click in his brain. "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?!" He yells making me flinch. He never yells. I'm not backing down though . "I'm yelling at you, Asshole!" I scream back with the same amount of force.
He snaps. He quickly grabs my wrist and ties them to the bed with his expensive work tie. I try to break free but it's too tight. Sure to leave a bruise. "What the fuck are you doing?!" He has never tied me up. He was never the kinky kind. Just caring with a hint of heat that makes me beg for more every time. He just looks at me. Like I was speaking another language. I can tell he's never been yelled at before. I didn't care, I wanted to test his limits.
"Maybe they don't yell at you at your spoiled as job but here, I don't care!" "I wonder if they knew you were fucking a slut like me," I say staring in his eyes, smirking, trying to get him angry. Wanting him to feel the same feelings I felt when he told me he was leaving. I don't know why I'm yelling at him. My heads telling me to forget about this dude, that I'm not good enough. That he deserves all the things I'm telling him. But my heart, it aches. The words I'm screaming make me feel even smaller then I did at first. I don't mean any of it. But I can't help it. I've been keeping this in for the longest and it's all coming out, like water going down the drain. He just sits there, further pissing me off.
After a while, I stop yelling to catch my breath. "You done?". He says with an annoyed tone. Him mocking me, broke me. I start to cry. I feel completely lost. Like my screams are for nothing. Like the words are going in one ear and out the other. He just laughs like I'm telling a joke. Like my tears are fake. He's just like everyone else. I stop crying realizing I'm wasting my time. I stop because I'm used to it. I feel this way all the time. Nothing new. "I thought you were leaving asshole." I say irritated like I didn't just cry my eyes out.
"You're a little bitch, you know that. You were just begging me to stay, then you started balling your eyes out and now, you want me to go!?". If you're going to act like this then maybe I should leave!" That last sentence. I actually feel my heart break. I tell him to untie me and leave. To just leave and never come back. He listens to me and untied the knot. He chuckles. I'm clearly upset and he thinks that this is funny. Instead he tells me things that I already knew but didn't want to hear. Especially from him.
"Look at you. All these bruises on you. These marks on your thighs, makes me sick to my stomach." "You just take all this bullshit and think it's ok. It's not!". I didn't ask for a damn teacher. Telling me this hurtful shit like I didn't already know. He thinks he has me figured out, but he doesn't. This is only the beginning. There's way more emotions deeper in my body. I feel so upset that I just sit on the bed, trying to calm down but what he says next makes me lose it. "You really are just a worthless slut who wants everyone's dick up her ass!"
That was the last straw. Him saying that, made me realize that all the bad things I tell myself are true.I thought he was different. I really did.
"You asshole!" You think you have me figured out,you don't! You are a grown man who doesn't know responsibility, you think you can just go to your fancy job and then come back here to fuck me?!" "You really are a bitch." I stop. I breathe for a second, trying to understand all the hurtful things I've said. I feel like shit because I don't mean it. No matter how he treats me or what he tells me, I still love him. I still want him to come back. He looks at me. Like he's processing the things I said out or anger.
He doesn't say anything. He just gets up, takes his coat and leaves. He actually left me. I start to cry. I felt like it was my fault. It's my fault I'm in this position. My fault he just left. My fault he doesn't love me. I try to stop crying and attempt to go to sleep, but I can't. I know what I am. No matter what. I'm just a good fuck to him.
