Deception General

The Trip

Nurse Kimmy and the limpid Scotch pool of loveliness 2: the Trip.

Six months have passed since the events of the last story...Dashing Dr Craig survived despite losing a leg and returned home to the land of Salted Porage, US Medical Care being too expensive for him to afford.

"Saltire Flight 106 from Mitt Romney International airport to Edinburgh, Scotland, England is now leaving from Gate number 26, please proceed for boarding" the tannoy shrieked. Nurse Kimmy, now simply "Kimmy" having handed in her resignation looked down at her ticket and sighed, just a few short transatlantic hours and she'd be in the arms and leg of her beloved! 

"I'm sorry?!" the former doctor's crumpet gawped at the bearded man in the tartan dress leaning over her.He took another swig from his whiskey bottle. "I..I..don't understand what you're saying!" stammered Kimmy.

"Aah sed, do ye want the chicken or the fish!?" 

Kimmy was prepared for this, she had read up on British food. "How is it cooked?" she enquired suspiciously. 

"well fried..obviously!" the flight attendant was non plussed.

"No squirrels?"

"we're no English for christ sake!", a foil lidded container made it's way onto the ex nurse's table. Gingerly she opened it, expecting the worst and wasn't disappointed."Hello!" her dinner greeted her in a mild Highlands burr.

"I'll wait" she muttered and hoped to high heaven her six week supply of cheese sandwiches would survive the journey. 

"Please fasten your seatbelts for landing"The formerly pretty nurse, now looking grotty and slighty smelly after a long uncomfortable flight in economy squinted to see through the window. Approaching below in the dusk was Scotland's famous capital,  "the Athens of the north", the town of seven extinct volcanos, home of Arthur's Seat, Edinburgh!The plane skimmed along the exclusive luxury estate of Niddry and came to a juddering halt at the small airport to the West of the city near the village of Broxpaul.

Priority 1 having cleared immigration and before collecting her bag and meeting her one legged lover was to find a comfort station experience and freshen up. Eventually having a passed a door with "The Bog" on it and consulted her phrasebook she took the plunge and almost passed out. Choking slightly through the haze she made out the figure of several other ladies, mostly bearded and tattooed. "I'm American!" she declared pushing past them. 

 5 minutes later and liberally sprayed with her favourite Pesticide by Britney it was time to obtain her bag and meet her man!

"Hmmphh"! Kimmy glared at the baggage officer. "You're telling me my sandwiches are where?!" The officer mumbled something in Scottish and shrugged, he was probably drunk on whisky. "did you say the bag containing my cheese sandwiches is in..Kinshasa?!?! What the HELL is my lunch doing in the Democratic Republic of the Congo?!" 

Arrivals was packed. The former nurse scanned the crowds for a one legged ruggedly handsome sexpot. Finally their eyes locked. "My Dr Craig" the American simpered gazing deep into his dark brown eyes."My Kim Kims" the Scot sighed gazing into her soft limpid optical devices and promptly fell over.

 "A bit of a change of plan I think" they were sat in a taxi speeding past the endless fields on the outskirts of town. "ye know it's summer right?" Kimmy nodded, unconvinced, it was 4c and snowing slightly. "well as it's July Hawick is 16 feet under water, I thought we could get take a surprise trip to the Highlands! Just you, me...and the taxi driver!" Before Kimmy could respond the monolimbed ex medical man had said something incomprensibly Scottish and the car was swinging around, heading north!

Three days had passed, aside from brief stops for salted porage they hadn't paused. Up and down! Up and down! Kimmy got her breath back and sighed.  Outside it was still mountains, mountains and more damn mountains! Not for the first time the American glanced at the taxi meter and did a quick pounds to dollar conversion. $145,473 plus surcharge. 

Finally! On the eve of the fourth day they drew to a halt. The bill issue solved as Craig whacked the cabbie with a length of metal piping and threw his still twitching body off a hillside. Kimmy gulped in dismay as she spotted the sign. "Mad Annie's Haggis Trekking" 

Another two days passed, soaked in sweat the couple bounced and shuddered on the backs of their haggises. The beasts snorting and breaking wind while the rain and hale howled around them in the Highland summer.

Kimmy was starving! Her cheese sandwiches were in Africa and she couldn't bring herself to adapt to her Scottish lover's diet of whisky and chewy blood pudding. It looked like a haemorrage.

"Are you absolutely SURE there are no 1950s style rodeo diner with eggs sunny side up and bottomless coffee nearby??" she whined.

By way of reply in a beautifully co-ordinated move taking his trusty pocket knife the former doctor skewered two passing haggis and used his lighter to start an instant barbecue. 

"Bugger!" he said realising. "That was oor transport!"

 Kimmy sighed and resigned herself to a life on a remote mountain top with only the man of her dreams for company. 

To be continued....in a different form obviously.