The Four Seasons

Her Walls Fall - Chapter Five

I arrive at Eric's place about an hour earlier than I asked everyone to come, after basically falling asleep in history class. It still felt a little strange to me, to say the least, in recent years of our 'arrangement' we've all been a little more distant when it came to us as a group. Which thinking about, made me sad. I've tried again and again to set up a date with the four of us, and every time I tried, I failed. Cartman's yelled at me about how stupid that plan was, and he's never apologized. Stan and Kyle have always been a little more passive-aggressive when it came to this topic, Kenny just flat out ignored it and pretended he didn't hear what I said. They're supposed to be my safe place, the ones I turn to when I'm sad, but what am I supposed to do if their the ones making me sad? And part of me feels bad with the idea I cooked up to help with this situation, but if it were the only way they would agree to do it, then so be it. I'm going to try to disguise a date with the four of us as a study date.
I pound my fist on the door again, growing increasingly impatient, as Eric still doesn't open the door. When I try the doorbell, however, I am greeted by Eric's Mother, Liane. 
"Oh, are you here to see Cartman, (Y/n)?" My mind goes blank, I had talked with her many times, but with any parent of the group, I was afraid I'd tell all our secrets- and that was a terrifying thought to have.
"Um, yeah, are the rest of the boys here yet?"
"No, but I'm sure they'll be here soon," Ms. Cartman ushers me into her home, closing the door behind her. "I'll call Eric down, make yourself at home." I nod in response, seeing her walking up the stairs. 
Even knowing the kind of mother- even person- Liane can be, I always, someway or another, find myself jealous. Jealous of the unconditional love she has for her kid, something my parents didn't seem to have very often, if at all. I find myself timidly walking through the Cartman residency, as I plop myself on the couch, leaving my backpack carelessly tossed down at my feet. I notice a few extra crumbs on the cushion and dust them off. My fingers twiddle in my lap, as I wait nervously, but excited for the study date. I can almost feel the flurry of butterflies in my tummy.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Eric's usual grumbling comes from in front of me, as I look up to see him with rather displeased features.
"Hey," I greet, somehow getting tongue-tied twice in one night. I offer the cushion next to me to Eric, and he agrees, seating himself beside me. "Uh, how was school? I didn't see you much today, except I guess lunch and the bus, but that wasn't quite my point I-"
"Woah, geez, that's a lot of talking," I kinda hide behind my hands at that, completely embarrassed. "I haven't seen you this nervous since that night." And when he says this, I know exactly what he's talking about, he doesn't need to clarify which night it is. 
That night was put so clearly in our minds, we might remember it forever. It was the night this all happened, we pulled straws- well the boys pulled straws, I just got to hold them- and that was the night we officially became anything other than friends. We weren't sure what to call it then, and we're still not sure now. 
 I curl my knees up and lean my body against Eric's, he gives a small grunt in return. "I really want to kiss you," I murmur, talking to myself, he still startles at it though.
"Isn't it, like, that fucking asshole's turn? You can't kiss me!" he's at the verge of talking loudly, but I can tell he's trying to whisper it. I revert back to my first sitting position.
"He's got a name, Eric, stop being a fucking dick and acting like that. Plus, aren't we, aren't we all kinda dating? It's not much different-"
"It's totally different," he retorts, and I don't know if I agree with my statement or his, because we've never seen anything like this before. Kenny's shown me a lot of threesome porn stuff, trying to relate it back to our experiences, our relationship. We've never seen a group like us that date each other, that like each other. There were no clear set rules of how anything was to go or not to go. 
Next thing I know, I'm doing something I might regret, and don't realize I even had in me, I yell at Eric.
"You know what, I don't know Cartman, maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right, but don't act like you have the answer either, because you don't, we both know that." I turn away from on the couch, and he gets up when the doorbell sounds shortly after.
"I'll get it," he grumbles. And I know now, I've fucked up, big time. I just want to huddle into a ball and stay on Cartman's couch forever. 
"Hey (Y/n)," Kenny smiles towards me, shaking me from my thoughts, "You look a little gloomy there, you alright?"
"Oh, yeah, of course," I ramble slightly, "to the basement?" I smile back at him, shuffling our group downstairs, and slinging my backpack over my shoulders once more. 
"I was thinking, we might start with math," Kyle says, his voice trailing along behind him, as he's the first boy to go down. 
"Oh yeah?" I question, rushing down the stairs behind him. Kenny follows close behind, telling me not to run or I'll trip.
"You guys are doing awful in math, I don't know how you guys even passed last year!" Kyle yells exasperatedly, throwing his hands up. He places his backpack down near the foot of the steps, and seconds later, I crash into him. I giggle slightly, apologizing to him.
"Sorry, sorry, babe," I kiss his cheek, setting down my own bag next to his. 
"Ugh, gross you guys!" Cartman tauntingly, and rather childishly, sticks his tongue out at the two of you.
"Oh grow up, Cartman," I can almost feel the tension between us growing, and I wonder if anyone notices it. Kyle pulls at my sleeves slightly, almost telling me to back down, which I do. I take a seat next to him on the floor, my math textbook splayed out in front of me, a few loose sheets of graph paper, and a shortened, unsharpened, yellow, number two pencil. Kyle has a big notebook full of paper, and a long fully sharpened pencil. 
Kenny lands himself in a large blue bean bag chair, with none of his school supplies, though as I look at him, I chuckle at my forgetfulness. "Oh God, Kenny, I forgot you broke your right arm! I'll give you a pass for not bringing anythin'" I ramble. "Um, you can look at my notes, I guess," I begin to hand my notes to him, but Kyle stops me from doing so.
"Much appreciated, (Y/n), but I think it would be better if he were looking at mine. No offense babe, but you really suck at math," he chuckles, leaning back to me, kissing my lips. 
"Um, Stan," I look over to where he's sitting which is right next to Ken in the beanbag, "You'll be able to study though, right?"
"Yeah, it's just my left arm," he replies, and we exchange small smiles. 
"Ok, good," I don't ask about Cartman, he's sitting in front of Kenny, his school supplies and a small pile of snacks surrounds him. I'd have to talk to him about it soon, but for now, I'll ignore it, I'll ignore him. I've been doing it for so long, why stop now? 
A few hours go by, and our work progress begins to slow down. The basement floor is littered in tossed aside wrappers, crumbs, and pencil shavings. I'm stuck on this one problem, along with Kenny and Stan. Cartman gave up about half an hour ago, and Kyle is sorta sick of trying to help us, at this point, I don't think he knows how to help us. He's worked every possible way, and now he's stuck in Cartman's basement, crumpling paper in his fists.
"You guys are just unteachable!" he whines, moving his stuff and leaning over into me. I giggle softly, snuggling into his side shortly after.
"Hey, what if we take a break? I think we studied enough, plus it'd be fun hanging out with you four more," I mumble the last bit into Kyle, as I slump my body into his lap. He whispers teasingly in my ear, kissing my ear and playing with my hair. 
"God, seriously, gross. No one wants to fucking see that, Jew!" I rise from my drained position and look Cartman dead in the eye. 
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up," I seethe, I can feel my teeth grinding together in frustration. 
"What?" Cartman looks back blankly, almost taken aback with what I said. I feel at a loss for words again, my courage fleeting quickly. 
"Uh, no, n-never mind, forget it, it-it's nothing," I hide into the floor, trying to do more work or anything to distract myself from the increasingly awkward situation I had placed myself in.
"No, c'mon, it's not nothing," Cartman prods, which earns him a glare from Kyle. 
"Y'know what, yeah, it isn't nothin'. You wouldn't be so mad if it were me kissing you in front of the group, 'cause whatever fucking reason it is, you don't like this," I gesture at the five of us, and Cartman seeks to say something back, but at this point, I'm fed up.
"N-no, I have more to say, you're always bein' such a fucking asshole to me when it's not your damn season! An' you're never like that when it is, and you're always so-so, god, just- I was so happy when you thought of this whole thing, because I wanted it to work, and I love you guys, so fucking much!" I yell, my eyes tearing up, and my throat already feeling sore. I put my knees up, and hug them close, letting myself cry into them. Kyle next to me tries to gently tap me, but I freeze up almost immediately, till his hand leaves me once more.
"Hey, quiet down a little, my mom could hear," Cartman's the first one to speak up.
"Dude, seriously, what the fuck is your problem? You just made (Y/n) cry," Stan's the next one, and I can hear Kenny mumble something incoherently in the background. Kyle's the only one staying quiet. 
"Is it only Cartman?" Or maybe not, his voice sounding small, and breakable, yet filled with so much more strength than mine.
"What do you mean?" Stan jumps in, a little confused. 
"Like, is Cartman the only one who's making her feel like this," Kyle replies, and I shake my head 'no' in response. 
Mumbling into my knees, the boys are barely able to make out what I say, "It's all of you." 
"Why is it all of us, you seemed so happy yesterday, with me," he mutters, anger beginning to bubble inside him.
"It's like, if it's not your season, none of you seem to like me, not the same at least," I begin, I sniffle slightly, wiping my eyes and nose with my sleeve.
"No, that's bullshit, I care about you, I like you, even if it's not springtime-" He startles me a few inches away from him, and now, I feel as if I've started something big, maybe it'll change things...but perhaps not in a good way.
"Geez, Kyle, calm down!" Kenny yells, holding onto said boy's shoulders. "Just, can we talk about this? Normally, without it seemin' like you guys are going to bite each other's heads off, or you guys incapable of that?" 
Everyone slowly nods their head, and my sniffling dies down, so I crawl from my shell and sit a few inches further from all three of the boys. I didn't have the courage I needed, and I felt like buckling into my knees again and crying. But...I couldn't do that, not now, not to them. 
"So, where do we start...?" Stan mumbles, everyone still appearing a little shocked at my outburst. I was much more kindhearted, and I never yelled much, at least not when I was angry, not when I was upset. Of course, however, I always screamed with my friends. That's what dumb high schoolers did.
"Well, not exactly you don't care, it's always my turn or your turn, and I'm tired of that. I'm not some-some-some fucking toy! So quit treating me like I am." I hide my face in my hands as if they couldn't see me that way. 
"Well, I don't do that," Stan says."
"Not all you guys do it the same way, though. Cartman just flat out tells me he doesn't want to hang out as a group for a date, an' every time I'm with Ky, or Ken, or even Stan, he'll get all fussy. He's the one that'll be like, isn't it his turn. But it's no ones turn, because I'm a person, you don't take turns with me." 
"God, Cartman, you fucking asshole!" Kyle yells, and it seemed, for a second, that it was his way to say, I'm protecting you. 
"He's not the only frickin' asshole here, you guys can all be asses, and that includes me!" I retort.
"Fine, then what did I do?" Kyle gestures for me to continue. 
"It's like, if I ask about a group thing, you'll always say not this weekend, or I'm busy, or-or even we're busy. An' the only way I got you guys here, is 'cause I said it was for studying purposes!" Oh shit, I think to myself, I just exposed my whole plan.
"Wait, you planned this whole thing for that reason?" Kyle asks, and I gingerly nod in return.
"That means, you basically lied to us!" Kenny exclaims
"Yeah, I know, it was shitty, it's not like you guys haven't done bad things too," I huff out, crossing my arms and looking away from the group.
"Now it seems we're just playing the blame game," one of the boys retort.
"it's not like that-"
"No, no it is. Don't lie again, please, (Y/n)," Kyle sounds exhausted, already done with the conversation at hand.
"No, Ky, please, I don't," I begin, letting a long sigh out, I too, feeling tired. My throat starting to sore up. "I don't mean it to be."
"Then what, what do you mean It to be?" he continues, frustration seeping from his voice.
"I just want things to change, sometimes you guys just make me feel so sad, but I love you guys, and I don't know what to do," I let out another sigh, taking my gaze away from the wall, to a quick glance at the boys, and then to the ground. The boys all have a pained expression to them, though they also share a look of mild surprise. They wait quietly for minutes, save for a small cough from Kenny.
Stan finally raises his hand up timidly, as if almost saying, 'can I speak.' I gently nod to him, and it takes him a minute or so, till he barely gets out a whispered, "Y-you love us?"
"Oh, uh, I, um, oh god. I-i said that out loud, didn't I?"
"So, you don't?" Cartman responds, having not said anything since my big outburst.
"No, I do, a lot. I think I have since this whole thing started. Just..." I take a deep breath, my breathing unsteady, and my body trembling. I hadn't been this nervous since...that night! "I've wanted this to work out since Cartman came up with it back in eighth grade, and-and it has worked! But not so much now, not in the past year or so, an' sometimes I feel that I've failed you somehow since I can't be this perfect version of myself, the perfect girlfriend. An' I want to be able to be out in the open with you guys, I wanna be public, but I can't, especially if I don't know what we are." 
My shakings stopped, and my breathing feels normal. The little courage before bounds against me now, leaping from my body in all sorts of thoughts. I feel so strange to finally be saying this, a warm bubbly sensation fills me up when I realize I was able to regain the courage. A melancholy feeling washes over me soon after, realizing we could all be over in the next few moments. I grab my fleeting courage by the horns again, pulling up my backpack in one swift movement, I find myself at the bottom of the stairs holding close to the railings. Do now, or do it never, I remind myself
"Take your time, and figure out what we are, and when you're ready? Come and tell me, I'm waiting." And then I'm racing up the stairs, hurrying past Liane, I'm out the door, into the chilly air of South Park.
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Word Count: 2904
A/n - 
Just realized that (Y/n) has said "I love you" to both Cartman and Kyle before, and a lot of you guys probably also noticed this error in the fifth chapter. Though after I've thought about it for a while, instead of deleting that whole section, and finding a whole separate way to tie up this chapter, I decided to keep it. But why, you might ask. (Y/n) has never come out and said to all four boys at once, that she loves them, which is a big deal. She's said it jokingly, or quietly to herself, in the midst of many stutters, and always one-on-one, but never with such bravery, and confidence, never so passionate, and never, NEVER to all fours boys. So that's my reason why I kept this scene in the chapter. 
Anyways, with that said, I hope everyone liked this one! It was a little longer, and kind of angsty, but it is a very crucial chapter for this story, it will make way for so much more in this story! I am also excited to share with everyone that this is the halfway mark of the first story arc, and that we'll be wrapping this part of the story up very shortly. I hope everyone else is as excited for the next five chapters as I am, and as always,
Till next, Cloud!