1.1 | When In Rome ✓

05 | advice

05

a d v i c e

After telling Alan about everything that happened, she was tempted to ignore him. Forever. But, that never got her far, and it would definitely never help her out of this heartbroken state she was in right now. She needed that. So, after catching up on the coursework she was supposed to while on her break but decided to hold off, she texted Alan asking to meet up.

And that's how she found herself with her hand on the door handle to the ice-cream and milkshake place. It was almost becoming a ritual for them.
She got there and ordered her milkshake, then choose a booth to sit at. She checked her watch and saw she was still 5 minutes early, so she got out her phone to text Anita.

Anita was ecstatic that she had been chosen to see an exhibit at a famous art gallery and make a vacation out of it, because of her art teacher. She was also one of the two people chosen to present their artwork there. Olivia was happy for her and was about to text her when Alan came in, smiling a bit when he spotted that she was already here. After making small-talk with the person behind the counter, he grabbed his ice-cream and came to sit with Olivia.

"You actually came!" Alan said.

"Did you think I wouldn't?" Olivia asked, confused and affronted. "I asked you to meet me."

"Yeah, but I thought you still wouldn't come. You felt kind of awkward after telling me everything, and I thought you were going to chicken out again."

Olivia frowned at him. "I'm not that kind of person."

Alan looked at her. "Maybe. So, what's the reason you asked me to meet you here?" He said, quickly changing the topic and deflecting.

Olivia stares at the pink, frothy liquid of her milkshake. "As you could see from the last time we met," she started. "I haven't gotten over Jackson yet. And I think," She swallowed hard. "I think that you can help me with that."

Alan looks at her weirdly. "I said yeah last time. Do you want my actual advice of how to deal with this though?"

Olivia nodded, her brown hair bouncing in her ponytail. "Please. I can't let this hold me down forever even though I want it to right now."

Alan leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, so I'm going to get kind of technical right now, but it's important, so listen." Olivia nodded. "After losing a loved one, there are different ways things can get better. If you had a healthy relationship with this person, and you feel like it wasn't your fault, you had support, basically, if everything was positive for you, it'll be easier. If not, it'll take way longer. That's what it says in all the textbook I've read so far. But, that's totally wrong."

Olivia's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

Alan smirks. "Here's my way of thinking of it: If you truly loved the person and how they're gone, it'll be harder, way harder to accept they're gone from your life. That's you. But, with the right amount of support and friendships, it'll also be helpful."

Olivia nods. "Okay, that makes more sense."

"So, the first step is to accept that it wasn't your fault and that you couldn't have done anything about it. Then, you get rid of any ties that make you feel worse about their death. Don't keep their personal belongings on you or with you, because seeing it will ruin everything. Just keep pictures instead of objects."

Jackson's phone seems to be burning through her skin again, making her feel guilty.

"What's the last step?" Olivia asks.

"You remember them as someone from your past, but accept they've moved on. Accept they're not going to be here, accept you won't see them again, and accept that they're gone." After seeing Olivia's expression, he quickly adds something. "It's usually the hardest part though, so, we can go slow with these. I want you to start by making yourself believe it's not your fault."

Olivia rolls her eyes again. Alan glances sideways at her. "I want you to say it out loud. Say 'Jackson's death was not my fault.'"

"Jackson's death was not my fault," Olivia repeats blindly. "Jackson's death was not- " Her throat seizes up at her own words, but Alan gives her an encouraging nod.

"You got this, Livs."

So, Olivia kept repeating the words until she had tears streaming down her cheeks, not tears of sadness, but of happiness, knowing that this was actually helping and that she was doing it.

She thought it would be pointless, repeating words would lose their meaning after a while. But, repeating it made it stick, and it actually did help. It didn't lose its meaning.

She'd finally accepted it wasn't her fault. Maybe Alan was onto something. And maybe, she could accept that Jackson wasn't coming back. Maybe.