Our kids?!

Chapter 42

It went like that for awhile. He was sitting there sadly, as I was trying to concentrate on my work instead of him. I wish he'd leave, because I can't resist him, but I wish he'd stay, because I love him.

'I have to be strong now, I made a choice, I can't change my mind now. It's done.' I kept telling myself. Repeating in my head, word after word, restlessly.

The only thing that stopped me from breaking was Hui joining us. Unlike Hwan, she stated her opinion for the thousandth time.".......I always trust you, you know I do! But this time is different, you didn't even tell me what you're doing, is it because it's dangerous?....." and on she went. I shut it out, I had to. If she'd knew what I was doing, she'd stand by my side, but it's for the best that she doesn't know. I'm so close.

".....look at what you're doing to Hwan! He's never been this sad and depressed!" she was shouting at me at this point, as if I'd hear her better."Not even....not even....not even...." she hesitated. I froze. I couldn't breathe. Her next words can't be what I think they are.

"Not even when her mother was still with him." it came out as whisper, a light breeze in the summer.....but it hit me like a truck, full force and speed knocking me down.

Everything froze, you couldn't even hear the sounds of breathing. I wanted to die. To crumble to pieces, then be put together by Hwan, so that I'll finally be perfect, he could take the parts that he likes and keep them, bury the rest to be forgotten forever.

I felt the warm tears rolling down my frozen face. I wanted to scream and cry and plead for apology. I wanted to bow down in front of Hwan, and tell him that I didn't mean it and I'm sorry, and for the first time I'd tell him how much I love him and need him and how important he is, the most important he is.

Instead I kept working. I had to. I did the worst things in the last couple of days. I wrote my own faith. It doesn't matter what happens now, because it'll all disappear. It has to. It was how I planned. I did thing that could not be turned back, once I swallod the pills and put the pieces together I can't go back. And I did. There is no going back now.

'I am so sorry. But you wouldn't understand. If you were in my place you'd do the same. And if you were, you'd know that now there's too much to lose to stop.' was my next chant.

She kept going, she was getting angrier."......you kept it a secret."

"Because it's easier to keep a secret, if only one person knows about it." I answer without any emotion at all.

"What about Hwan? Does he not count as a person then? Because he knows at least a part of it!"

"No, he doesn't. B-" but before I could finish my sentence, Kwang arrived with his boyfriends and Yun-a.

"What's going on? Don't tell me you're almost done."

"I am actually." I wanted to turn to Hwan, and tell him that that wasn't the end of my sentence, I didn't mean he doesn't count as a person, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him and address him. For the second time in my life I felt weak, worthless and sad. Terribly sad.

We got into a fight, frankly Yun-a managed to make them stop. They didn't leave, they wanted to keep an eye on me so they went to the garden. I went back to work.

Time passed by, and the only thing I heard was Yun-a's and Hui's whispered conversations. I couldn't make out the words, but I wasn't meant to anyway.

Suddenly Ae-ri and Chang arrived, Kwang marching in by their side.

"Are you still doing it?" he asked.

"No. It's nearly done now." At this the garage exploded again. I couldn't care about that now. They'll forget this soon, and everything will be fine again. Hwan and Dad are going to be happy. I had to keep that in mind. So was created my third chant.

I was so focused I didn't even realise that I've finished the machine. And that I started it. And that I messed up terribly.