lone star ✧

Chapter 6

Masquerade

0:03 ──⊙──────── 5:24

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The sleeplessness comes back to Raymond like an old friend. Raymond welcomes it and it's oddly comforting as he lies awake while the whole world is asleep. It gives him time to himself, something that he's been lacking these few days.

It's Christmas break now. His aunts and uncles and cousins are settled into their house for a few nights, planning to spend Christmas Day celebrating as a whole family. Raymond used to love being with his younger cousins—twin girls of age six—but it's hard to enjoy when something else floods his mind constantly.

Lucinda had texted him last night that she's coming to his house in the morning. Raymond forces himself to close his eyes for a bit longer. He thinks about the upcoming art show at school, imagining himself to be one of the artists on exhibit. It'd be a show completely about Lucinda—all his artwork somehow links back to her.

The feeling of acceptance. Understanding. A developing seed.
Hope in dreams. Words and colors. A bud of friendship.
Love and longing. Full bloom.

But deep down, he knows he'd never be able to do the art show. No one even knows he does art, and if they find out, people would be shocked that he wasn't the person he used to be. And why would he want to put up a show that only reminds him more about his never-ending love for a girl that he could never have?

When morning comes and Lucinda arrives, Raymond is working on his new piece—a scene with two people watching the sunset.
Lucinda comes into his room with a bowl of fruits and a mug of chocolate—Raymond's favorite drink. He's so thankful for her. No matter how much she breaks his heart, she's still the most caring person he knows from day one.

As Raymond sips his drink, Lucinda looks through his artwork. They're spread out on his big desk, some leaning against the wall. Raymond wonders what she sees in them. They're a mix of abstract and realistic. His older work is full of black-and-white fantasy—scenes that seem almost too perfect. The newer ones are more concrete and colorful, with finer details and based on real objects.

"Ray, are you gonna join the art show? It's coming up in a month," Lucinda says.

"I don't think so. I really don't want to," says Raymond, putting down his mug.

There's a mixed expression on Lucinda's face. "I know what you're thinking. You don't think you're good enough. You're scared people will know you do art."

"It's not just that. I won't be able to do it well."

"But I believe you can. You've always been so, so talented at it," Lucinda says. Raymond shakes his head.

"But there's also something else that's been on my mind lately." Lucinda brushes her hair behind an ear. "You know how I've been making new friends? When I'm with them, I always feel like something's missing. Something important." She turns to face Raymond. "And then I realized, it's you. You're missing. I just wish that you would spend more time with me. I don't even mind if you don't come with me to our hangouts and stuff, it's just...you always say you're so busy lately. And I don't know how to tell you that I...that I miss you a lot." She closes her eyes.

I watch as Raymond slowly retracts his hands. He doesn't know what to say. It's always been Lucinda who's spending time with other people. Doesn't she know what he's going through—the loneliness he feels, the betrayal of his only friend, his insecurity with everything about himself? Wasn't it Lucinda who moved away from their relationship?