The Hate U Give: Synonyms

After vomiting, daddy has me curled up on his lap as he brushes back my braids from my sweaty face with his gentle hands. I've never wished to be five years old again so badly so that I could completely fit in his lap, but for now, I'll gladly take my head and right shoulder fitting on his leg. Besides, if I was five again, daddy wouldn't have been here to help me through like he is now. He had mistakes to pay for in prison, but he's here now, and that's all that matters. Some fathers can't return home after prison. My dad is something else.

"Nightmares are worse right after, but nightmares fade," daddy whispers to me, but all I can think is life is worse after seeing my Khalil murdered right in front of my face. I rushed to help him, but the police then pointed the very gun he killed Khalil with at my head, telling me to put my hands up so he can handcuff me like I was the shooter.

I sat by Khalil's head, unable to compress the wound in hopes of keeping Kahlil with me until the ambulance came. The police officer was too busy looking for the gun he swore Kahlil had. Blood keeps pulsing out of my friend's body with every shout of "Where's the gun? Ma'am, where's the gun?" Ma'am? I'm sixteen years old and this man has misread my age as he misread Khalil's actions of being young and black in America. His life faded. Will I be next?

"I can't survive this, daddy. I can't do this."

"Yes, you can, Starr, because you are. Here you are, in the flesh and blood, baby girl. You will go on. You just need to keep letting it out however it wants to escape from you. Scream it. Yell it. Purge it. Let it out so you can breathe and keep going on, especially now since Khalil is no longer here."

"And Tasha."

"Yes, baby. And Tasha. You all that's left of your lil' squad. Y'all were inseparable."

"We separated now, daddy. Nothing protected us, not even our Harry Potter wands full of magic we carried like a charm as kids."

"But you've got family, so you use us until you get stronger. Let us hold you up until you can hold your own." He rises up, so tall, so protective. "I'll be back in a few minutes. I think it's time you see Nannie, so get ready any way you want as long as you come with me."

I was as ready as I could be with my sweats, t-shirt and slippers. I had no energy to do much more and luckily daddy knew because he lived through many friends and family deaths.

Curled up in the passenger seat of my dad's silver Chevy Traverse, I drift off to the sound of the road as we make the four block drive to Nannie's house. Usually, we walked it, but daddy knew. I just don't have it in me.

Pure exhaustion sucked me into such a deep sleep so that I awake on Nannie's couch, covered in a quilt with Nannie sitting at the end of the couch with my legs over her lap. Soft pats on my legs become noticeable, and I wouldn't doubt if she had been patting me the whole time I slept.

"Where's dad?"

"You've been asleep for quite a while now. Your daddy carried you in and you never stirred. We figured it would be best to let you rest, so he went on to the store to check on everything so we could have a little time alone."

"I don't know what to do Nannie. I just want yesterday to never have happened. If I say everything I know, people will get hurt. King will come after me and the family if I talk about his connection to Khalil. Cops will come after me if I talk about what I saw that night. Uncle Carlos could get hurt from fellow policemen if I talk."

"Baby, if you don't talk it's going to destroy you. Number one rule to survival, if you don't take care of yourself, then we all go down."

"But Nannie, how will I know? When will I know? Everyone needs information now, but I just want the world to stop, just for a minute."

"Then you take your time, baby. What they need is not what you need. You will know when to talk and how to talk it when the time is right with you."