k musings

the aches that came with loving you || w.j

Low, a part of me now
A palm to my mouth
I said it, almost

He leaned against the desk next to him, tired eyes watching your sleeping form on the sofa. Your cheeks were stained with tears, the pillow beneath you slightly damp. It brought a dull ache to his chest seeing you like that, seeing the result of words said in the blind heat of a stressful moment.

It had been days since you'd slept in the same bed as him, hours since he'd had to compose himself before exiting his car after another argument, minutes since he'd found you there again.

It had been a week since the shattering of the delicate facade he'd put up to keep his feeling at bay and it still effected you now.

Snow, brother, I'll bet it all gold
Shudder with blood in my nose
I had it, almost

"You're so determined to protect yourself and your feelings, but what about me? When did you become so selfish?!"

He remembered the venom in your voice. The words were meaningless, a shadow bullet that still pierced through his chest. You didn't mean a single word you said but that didn't stop them from cutting at his heart like knives. He cared about you, more than he could ever tell you. The thoughts he had were poisonous. You didn't deserve that burden.

Don't go, you're half of me now
But I'm hardly stood proud
I said it, almost

You weren't sure what brought you to say half the things you did, to take half the low blows that you did, but you felt betrayed. Discovering the true nature of your beloved's mental from someone else was like a punch to the gut. Didn't he trust you?

Oh, I've been low
But dammit, I bet it don't show

"I was afraid you'd leave. I didn't want you to leave," he told you, the wavering in his voice more than enough to melt away the lot of the fury in your chest. His eyes were bloodshot, tired, broken.

"God damn it, Woojin. For once, just this once, stop pretending you're okay! Just talk to me!"

It was heaven a moment ago
Oh, I had it almost

How was he supposed to tell you he missed you? How was he supposed to tell you the long evenings of practice and recording sessions were making him suffer? How was he supposed to tell you about the invasive thoughts and actions that filled each of his restless nights.

"I trust you, don't you trust me?"

We had it almost

Woojin cried first. The hot tears slid down his face when he'd seen just how much this was hurting you too. So he talked. He said all the things he couldn't say before. All the twisted thoughts, the insecurities, the things he did to himself when he was alone, the suspicions- no the prayers- that you were getting what you needed from someone else.

He couldn't make you happy, and it killed him.

Oh, I can't seem to let myself leave you
But I can't breathe anymore

"Maybe we should take a break. I don't know who you are anymore."

You spoke with a flat tone, teary eyes betraying you. All he could do is stare through blurry vision. His body shook slightly with each wave of tears, but nothing but sniffles and broken apologies fell from his lips.

"Are you even listening?"

Oh, I can't seem to not need to need you

Now he had no tears to cry, just the crushing weight of the emptiness in him. His gaze shifted to his hands as you slowly slipped back into consciousness.

And I can't breathe anymore