This Is Me

9-19-14

Welp it's been forever since I've posted. That's basically how it's going to be. I'll post whenever I feel like it.This is more for me than anyone else.

Anyways this month so far has been pretty intense. In the past week I've been almost kicked off guard, tried to overdose (but it didnt work. obvs), almost failed a science project, been sorta possesed and drawn really creepy/depressing pictures, and had a couple terrible dreams. Fun right?

Y'all might be saying to tell someone. Well I told one friend about one portion abbout it but no one knows everything. So since this is my "diary" I'll explain everything here for later reference.

Almost getting kicked off guard: basically my dad was really mad because my grades had a dropped and I forgot to do a minor project so I tried to do it the next morning and missed my bus. On my way to school, with my dad driving me, he told me that since I couldn't keep up I had to drop guard.

Overdose: I was quite upset about this news. Also my period started the next day -_-' So when i was taking some Tylenol for cramps i saw that the max was 6 in a 24 hour period. So i took 2 and left. However i was feeling pretty  depressed because guard, my one reprieve, was jsut taken from me. I thought that if maybe I was hospitalized, my dad would be more lenient. Stupid I know. But every 30 mins or so I would come out and take 2. After a while I would take 3. Soon I had taken around 15. It didn't work. I often find myself wanting to get hurt but not by my own doing. But I don't want to die. No.

Possesed: My dad made me study one night. I later find my notes had been written all over in dismal things like "We will inevitably get knocked down but it is our choice to get back up (but it's probably not worth it)" Like how messed up is that. I had even drawn this little cow looking at a hamburger and saying, "Mom?" The big drawings were even more upsetting. The first one was titled "Under My Umbrella". It was a drawing of this boy standing in the pouring rain. His umbrella was all rotten and holed. The rain clouds were yelling at him that he was a loser. The other one was titled "The Weight of a Simple Human Emotion". It was the boy and he kinda looked like Atlas because he was holding this obviously holding something heavy. The box he was holding said ANGER on it. On top of the box were all these little people calling him a loser and other mean names. This just really depressed me because I've always wanted to do something like that, take lyrics and make a picture out of them. But not like that. That really upset me.

So the bad dream is last: It started out in a classroom setting with my lunch group (both the boys and girls) in the class around me. The kid next to me was some unknown. I can't remeber his face for the life of me. Anyways he was talking smack about me. He was going on on on about how I had had two pregnancies and that was why I was fat when

A) Everyine knows I've never done the frickle frackle. Never even had a boyfriend.

B) I'm quite insecure about my weight.

Yea but he just kept going on and on about it. I didn't even realize i was silently crying. Finally, the teacher notices and writes him up for slander or something. I'm still sat there crying. My friend Sebastien is the first to realize something is wrong. We have this on going thing of always giving each other a hug when we see one another. He comes up and gives me  hug but I'm frozan solid and can't move. One by one all my friends come around and try to comfort me but I'm comepletly detached. Eventually Sebastien comes back and just like sits there hugging me. Then I finally just completely broke down in his arms. (No I dont like him like that. Calm down Cam and maybe Maya) Then we go about our day. With me still completly silent. All day. *End of Dream*

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So yea thats my entry. I honest to God hope you had a better week than me. I did have some good points. Like when I went to youth group and they had this session where you could go and pray for any problems you had. That was good and needed. But yip yep. I think that's all. I'll upate like once a month or so? Yea. bye :)

-Cookie

(Deeyum 800+ words?!?!)