Peaceful Darkness

What it is

It's all those things you hear.
It's the things you once loved.
But you just don't.

It's not being able to do anything.
Not just the things you don't love.
The things you no longer love.

It's not being able to do the things.
The things you never loved.
The things you have to do.

It's not doing your homework.
When you used to get straight A's.
It's not cleaning your room.
Though you think there's a spider under your bed.

And silence is the enemy.
Because in silence echoes thought.
And all your thought lately.
Seems to be regrets.
And deaths.
The hatred you feel inside.
Dreams of suicide.

It's laying awake not being able to sleep.
It's waking up unable to get out of bed.
It's closing your eyes at night.
Wishing you were just dead.
Wishing that you wouldn't wake up.

Wishing.
Because wishing is easier than acting.
And lately you can't act at all.

And now.
Its feeling better.
Truly feeling better.

Until night fall.
Until he opens his stupid mouth.
Until I begin to think.

It's knowing that most of the symptoms left.
Knowing that I'm perfectly fine.
Fine on the outside.

But it's being unable to shake this feeling.
This shadow of my past.
This shadow that follows me.

I'm better.
Unless I remember.

It's the shadow overcoming me.
The darkness consuming me.
The inability to see clearly.

But now.
I blink and it's gone.
How. Why.

Sometimes.
I keep my eyes shut.
Because I don't want the darkness to leave.

I think something is wrong with me.
That I miss the depression.

It's sitting here.
Typing on Wattpad for no one to read.
Trying to feel a little peace

Or maybe.
Trying to leave the peace.
Wishing to feel a little pain.