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Seonghwa was stressed out. He was in bed, thinking of what he had done, but he hadn't done anything. He was stressed out and he didn't know why. At least he wasn't crying.
Every night for the bast days he'd burst into tears and cried for hours, muffled cries of course. (he wouldn't dare to disturb HongJoong on the other side of the room, he needed the little sleep he got). He'd wanted to scream so bad. Just scream out all his anger and hatred.
Of course he never screamed, or figured out why he was so mad for that matter. He's a grown man and shouldn't be crying over some stress. In fact, he didn't understand WHY he even was so stressed. Ateez was doing good. And then he meant really good.
His personal life was good too. His members were like brothers. If one member was tired then the others would do everything in their powers to try and make him feel less tired.
Seonghwa even kept in touch with his friends outside of ATEEZ, who were all surprisingly very supportive. His family called him ever so often and he got to catch up with everything he had missed.
So why in the world did he feel so lonely.
So fucking lonely.
There were one particular weird thing about all of this.
Seonghwa never cries. At least not easily. He was a calm guy. When everyone around him were stressing and feeling like total shit, Seonghwa would be calm. He would tell his members that everything was fine and it would be okay in the end (unless he was stressed, then it would be hell and no one would be able to calm him down)
And now, especially now, there was nothing to cry over. He had nothing in the world to be sad over, at least nothing that would make him this devastated. The promotions were finished and the world tour was about to start, everyone were so happy. Smiling all the time and calling their family to talk about every little great thing that had happened to them.
So why in the world did it feel like he was suffocating. Why did it feel like he was trapped and wouldn' be able to escape no matter how much he screamed. Why did it feel like he would never see the world as a happy place again.
Seonghwa stood up. He needed one of Yunho's hugs. one of Yunho's warm bear hugs, filled with pure love and affection especially reserved for the person who wanted to. He walked over to his door, his head full of thoughts of Yunho and how good his hug would feel after feeling so terrible, how amazing it would be to walk into Yunho and Yeosang's shared room and see his beautiful smile in all its glory. A little smile appeared on his lips.
He had his hand on the door knob and was about to open the door when he realized it. Why he was so sad. Why he would suddenly want to cry and why his life felt so slow. He realized why he felt so lonely, like no one could ever love him.
A bittersweet laugh escaped his lips.
"Great! Just great" Seognhwa leaned his head against the door and sighted.
He was in love.
In love with someone he shouldn't love.
Why. Why of all people did he have to love the man he don't want to loose.
Why did he have to love the one person in his life he could never confess to.
If it had been any other person he would confess at once, or at least.. okay maybe he wouldn't but at least he could have confessed if it wasn't his best friend.
He can't confess, not to his best friend. Not to his Yunho.
Yunho had always been there, okay that's a lie, but Yunho had always been there since they were trainees. Yunho was the only thing that kept him going when things got difficult. Yunho's perfect smile and how his eyes became two small half moons and when he's hair was just a little damp after taking a shower-
Maybe he was a little bit more whipped than he thought.
When he thought about it, he realized that he did probably already knew about his own crush on Yunho. He'd been lying to himself.
Pretending it wasn't those types of feelings.
It was too late now, he'd already admitted the harsh reality to himself and there was no going back.
Not that Yunho needs to know how much Seonghwa loves him, how much Seonghwa needs him, he would never let him know that.
He would do everything in his powers to make sure Yunho never even suspected Seonghwa loved him that way, because he knew Yunho didn't love him back, and he knew Yunho with his big stupid heart would feel bad about it. This wasn't Yunho's fault. This was Seonghwa's fault. And Yunho did not deserve be thrown in the middle of Seonghwa's thoughts.
Seonghwa hit his head against the door before he looked up with determination in his eyes.
'Ahaha what am I even thinking, I've been so weird lately'
For a split second the smile Seonghwa had plastered on his face faltered, but he brought it back up just as quickly as it fell.
He went back to his bed and closed his eyes, he hoped the only reason these weird thoughts kept appearing was because he was tired.
He'd been practicing late the entier week and woke up early to go to vocal training and then dance practice right after that. If he just got some sleep, just a little, then everything would be back to normal again.
He would realize he wasn't actually in love with Yunho, no, he couldn't be. What had he been thinking? That there was no going back? From what? He didn't love Yunho like that. It was jsut a moment of weakness when he thought he loved Yunho but in reality Yunho is just his favorite brother, yes, that sound possible.
So he went to sleep.
