The Endless Tomorrows

Why?

I got so angry today!  My mind refused to think straight today. I went into that dark, scary place in my mind. I'm trying to back away, cowering back and trying to quiet the screeching of my most haunted nightmares back into submission but I can't. All those disturbing and faceless shadows of doubt, and fear now have an identity. A face That's so familiar it keeps me awake at night. HIM! WHY HIM! OH LORD WHY HIM?! this is hell on Earth.  It's in my own mind. The darkest part, where even the brightest light can't reach at all. "Don't be scared", he says. Then the next minute,  "It's your own fault", he screams! Why? Is it really my fault? That I couldn't help you in time? That I couldn't save you in time? That time ran out, not only just for you but for me too? Is it really my fault that I could have found a way to help you? Is it enough that I'm sorry from the deepest depth of my heart? 💓 well, I am.  There are so many questions that belong to you, but some left with you.
December 12,2017 ; 11:23.
That's the most miserable time for me to possibly exist. That only time where I actually felt death there hovering with me, not in a comforting way, but the complete opposite. The coldness, the bittrness of the air around me, the way my knees shook and gave way from under me; my heart stopped at that MOMENT, but not just my heart, but everything and everyone in general. The sounds of that cold night, the animals, even the little bits of clouds that passed me that night seemed to freeze, accompanied by the moon herself.  The night that drove away my angels and gave even the strongest of my demons, a bitter feeling that even they covered for even that fleeting moment.          Then. I felt it. A warmth, just as quick as it came, it left.  All to soon. Even to this day I don't know what it meant. And I'm scared to find out what it was so left in the dark it shall be. Along with the light you gave me, the warmth, the happiness, my goals, my dreams, my hopes, my inspiration, the string that held my heart together.
                              Of course I could blame you. Like any sane person could. Blame you for leaving me all too quick, not giving me a reason, an explanation, at all. You took away half of everything that I was, everything that I was going to be.  So yeah, I was angry today, because when I was finally about to feel a glimpse of that freeing happiness, I remembered. Remembered everything about that dreadful day, every thing even down to the colors, the smells, all of us there, everything. Then I felt anger at pAthEtiC excuse for a human being,  my nature, my fakeness, at all of it.  None however aimed at you.
           I loved you and I still do. I guess that's why I'm angry today.