I feel rather void like. I don't feel like much is going on I my life at the moment and I hate it. Lately, my emotions have been getting the best of me and I have been feeling depressed. I really don't want that to come back either. However, I think it is as I have been very unproductive, sad, and hating quite a few things about my self. It could be considered a summertime saddness, but I am calling it the semester blues. I visited my grandparents today and I was happy ahout that. I feel like I made their day and that is good. Self doubt andbjust doubt in general have been consuming me lately. Am I this? Am I that? What about this? Or that? Is this really what I feel? What if this is all just a load of crap and I am wasting my time. I am foxing to graduate from college with an AA in the Fall of 2019. I am excited but there is so much to get done and no time to do it. Guilt has been biting at me as well. I feel guilty over eating things in excess and I know that a lot of things are my fault. This week on Tuesday I made a fool out of my self. I still cling to the idea of desperately wantingba friend who wants me to be a bestfriend to them. I have never had that. I feel like I have missed so many opprotunities and I am sincerely saddened by them. This time it is a saddness that makes me tear up while writing as I never did things in the time that I should. I have never been tona high school party. Never been to prom. Not a dance. Not a date either. Never been kissed. Never been thought of as attractive. I wonder what is so wrong with me that no-one seems to be interested in me in the slightest and it makes me feel bad cause I wonder if I am just thar awful to be around. I try to be a good considerate person that cares deeply for others but it is rarely reciprocated. An example of this is that I took the time to make a photo album of pictures of a friend and I since I was 13. We had so many pictures together of things that we did, places we went and memories of those times. I made the photo album but also wrote things on the backs of the photos. And I hopefully dont seem like I am asking for much as it was a time consuming gift and I did get a thank you. I guess I was just hoping for a message here or there that says, "Hey, this photo from 2014 is really funny and I remember this moment. It was a good time." However It seems to be such a onesided conversation. As that person does not even seem intrested in talking to me. I dont want to feel like a burdon, but I also want to feel wanted. Like I matter to someone. Anyways Tuesday M, C, and CK were in the HonsDepo and Im asked if it was a secret meeting that I was not clued in on. And I wish I had not said that cause I makes me seem like such a desperate person. I just felt very excluded even though we went on the trip together. I guess I'm a creep.
