~Carter's P.O.V~
I honestly feel so bad for what I did to Arya. I can't explain the guilt I feel, all I can say is that it hurts more than anything. It hurts more than what I did to Kylie, but that was to protect her. I had no choice.
I want to apologise, but I feel like I can't. I feel like if I talk to her, I'll just make things worse. I don't want to get in the way of her, or anyone. I don't want to hurt a single living soul. I'll tell them that I need time, and then drift.
Slowly, gradually drift away from them.
From them all.
Forever.
What other choice do I have?
It's not because I don't love them; I love them with all my heart. I really do. But if I love them, I care about them. If I care about them, I have to do what's best for them. If I want to do what's best for them, I have to stop ruining things for them. If I want to stop ruining things for them, I have to make it impossible to ruin anything for them. If I want to make it impossible to ruin anything for them, I have to leave them. Leave them so they can be happier.
Happier without me.
It's as simple as that.
I still love them, I always will. Matt, Kylie, Arya, Sienna, Cam, Nash, heck I'll even miss Ana. But I have to do what's best and leave them.
I can't cause any more damage; I don't even accept myself as I am already. I feel like I am an embarrassment to everyone I am seen with. Someone with such a disgusting soul as mine, seen with such pure, loving people, with such pure and loving hearts and souls.
My soul is black.
So is my heart.
And my eyes.
When you look me in the eyes, and I don't just mean look at my eyes, I mean really look in them. When you stare into my eyes. When you look into me. All you see is black.
That is where my demons are. Everyone has them, but mine have escaped. I wasn't strong enough, I knew I never was. My demons escaped from my brain, to my heart, then to my soul and now you can see them in my eyes. They're out and can never be hidden. When I cut, the blood pours as black as night. I see devils dancing, it releases them. Sets them free. Washes them out. When they're out, they stay out. I just need to get rid of them all.
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four. My dead body on the floor. Five cuts, six cuts, seven cuts, eight. I'm no longer here, nor is the weight.
My old, lovely habits. I've got scars on my body to hide the stories I'll never tell.
When you cut, The skin around it puffs, red like wine. The blood beads up, perfectly in a crimson dotted line. It tingles and burns at first, but then it feels good, so that's only the worst. Your body is in pain, but your mind is at ease. It feels so good, and your mind asks for one more cut please. One turns to two and two to four. At this point you just keep cutting more. There's no stopping yourself from the warmness flowing through. Everyone else is happy, so why can't you be too? The blood starts to drip, and roll down your skin and a smile appears on you lips, from within. When you cut.
Even my taste in music is depressing.
"These battle scars don't look like they're fading, don't look like they're ever going away, they aren't ever going to change. Can't you set me on fire, I've never felt so alive, yeah. I hope the wound heals but it never does, that's because I'm at war with love. I'm at the point of breaking, and it's impossible to change me. These battle scars."
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(A/N)
First comment gets a follow
First of all, I'm sorry if this offended you in any way. If it did then I really am sorry.
Second of all, I hate myself even more for not updating in almost a month.
Third of all, I'm sorry that nothing happened in this chapter.
But anyway.
Oh. My. God.
I know this was boring.
It was me trying to be emotional but failing.
I've been through this type of thing so it's not because I don't know what I'm talking about. If I didn't know what I was talking about then I wouldn't write about it. Simple as that.
If you think this was over-emotional, idgaf. Shove your irrelevant comments up your ass.
(If you know where that was from then Ilysfm can we be best friends. I need a replacement friend from Nacho because she's gone away this weekend with no internet. Trust me she's easily replaceable.)
IM JK ILY NACHO BUT I DO NEED ANOTHER FRIEND.
SOOOOO...
14 FUCKING K READS. ILYSFM.
I honestly thought I was going to give up on this after like five chapters and get maybe ten reads.
AND TYSFM FOR THE VOTES. THE MORE YOU VOTE, THE MORE I WRITE. SAME WITH COMMENTS.
(Omfg when I wrote that, I wrote the worst typo ever. I accidentally wrote the more you cut, the more I write. NO. IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT.)
SO, DONT WORRY, BE HAPPY, STAY STRONG, ILY ALL, IF YOU NEED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY RANDOM SHIT IM ALWAYS HERE. DM ME ON ANY OF MY SOCIAL MEDIAS AND I WILL BE YOUR THERAPIST. JUST REMEMBER IM FROM ENGLAND SO TIME ZONES AND SHIT.
WHERE ARE YALL FROM. IM CURIOUS.
(I like writing in caps lock idek why don't judge pls ok ok ily)
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FOR THE LAST TIME, ILY ALL PLEASE REMEMBER THAT
(Ps. wish my chinchilla Puga Chan a happy first birthday. It was on the 23rd September)
Fucking long a/n sorry if you thought you had to read so much more of my writing then we're happy when you realised it was just an a/n that no one reads
SHIT this a/n is probably longer than the actual chapter
OKAY I SWEAR IM GOING NOW BYE ILYALLSM
