Deepest Apologies

Letting You Go

It had been almost a month and Liv's grandmother showed no signs of improving, which only worried her more. Luckily Brian had been amazing with Maci and that had been one less thing for her to worry about. She felt bad that she was keeping him from his life in New York, but he seemed so genuinely happy and grateful to get all of this time to spend with Maci. A small part of her hoped he was happy to see her too, but she had to put Maci first, and nothing made her happier than seeing the growing bond between her daughter and her father. But how she wished things could be different. She wished Jake wasn't in the picture, and she wished that somehow, in another life, Brian could forgive her for what she had done and they could pick up right where they left off; but as a family. He had told her he was so stupidly in love with her. But he had used the word 'was' and that word laid heavy within Liv's chest, serving as a constant reminder that she had hurt him in the worst way possible, and that there was probably no chance of them ever reconciling. It was 11pm on a Friday night and Liv sat watching television with a glass of wine when her phone began to ring. An unknown number flashed up on the screen as she answered it hesitantly.

"Hello?", she said.

"Hey, um - is that Liv?", an unfamiliar voice replied.

"Yes - Yes it is. Who's calling please?", she asked, setting her wine down as she sat on the edge of her seat.

"I'm Laura, I live next door to your grandma? Listen, there's no easy way to say this but - I was heading home from work and I noticed her light was still on so I knocked to check on her and she was unconscious on the floor. I called an ambulance and I'm at the hospital with her now but I found your number on her nightstand", she explained. Liv's eyes widened, her heart racing in her chest as dread washed over her.

"Okay - I um - I'll be right there", she said, almost emotionless. She wanted to scream, to cry or to panic, but she just couldn't. So many thoughts ran through her mind as she hung up the phone, dialing another number right away before pressing the phone to her ear. The doctors that had seen her in the last couple of weeks had confirmed there was some sort of problem with her grandmother's heart, but she had hoped they would find some way to help her before it was too late. Now, as she sat listening to the dialing tone ringing in her ear, she couldn't help but fear the worst.

"Hello?", Brian's sleepy voice answered.

"Hey Brian, it's Liv - I um - I'm really sorry to call so late but", she stopped, catching her breath. "Could you come and stay with Maci? My grandma's in the hospital", she said, her voice still empty and shaky.

"Oh god! Sure - sure I'll be right there", he told her, hanging up. Liv put on her coat and shoes, sitting on the couch as she waited for Brian to arrive. She stared blankly at the wall until the sound of someone letting themselves in interrupted her heavy thoughts, weighing down on her like a ton of bricks. "Hey, I'm here", Brian told her as he rushed to her side.

"Thank you", she said, her mind still blank as she looked at him. "I - I don't know how long I'm gonna be but - but she should sleep through the night", she told him.

"Do - do you need me to call you a cab?", he asked her, looking at her with concern in his eyes. Liv simply nodded before Brian took out his phone and called a cab. "Do you want me to come with you?", he offered.

"No - no, I uh- I need you to be here with Maci", she told him, grabbing her bag before heading out of the door. The cab ride to the hospital was a short one, but Liv felt like she had been sat in the back seat for hours. She had no idea what to expect. It was funny to Liv; she had somehow told herself that without an actual diagnosis her grandmother's condition couldn't get any worse. She was only now realising how silly that had sounded. When she finally arrived, she wandered up to the reception desk, still looking and feeling a little lost. "Hi. My grandmother was brought in - Georgina Taylor?", she said.

"Take a seat and a doctor will be with you shortly", the receptionist said politely. Liv had been sat down for all of 5 minutes when a doctor approached her.

"Miss Nicholson?", he said. Liv nodded as she stood up. "Could you come with me for a moment please?", he asked, leading her to a nearby room as he closed the door behind them. "I think you should sit down", he told her. Suddenly, Liv's feeling of emptiness had soon passed and her palms began to sweat as she could feel her heartbeat in her throat, a wave of emotions washed over her as she felt like it was getting hard to breathe. She sat down, shakily, as she looked at the doctor expectantly. "Unfortunately, your grandmother's condition has taken a drastic turn. We've done everything we can for her, but, we feel to do anything further would be unfair to her and those that care about her", he began to explain.

"So - so what are you saying exactly?", Liv asked, her eyes quickly filling with hot tears.

"Your grandmother's heart is failing and the only thing that's keeping her alive right now is a ventilator", he sighed sadly.  "As you're her only living relative, with your blessing we can either keep her on it or-"

"Or switch it off?", Liv cut him off. The doctor sighed once more as he nodded. If Liv had it her way, she would tell him to keep the machine going for as long as was humanly possible, but she knew that was selfish and something her grandmother wouldn't want. Her heart began to ache and a large lump formed in her throat, tears streaming down her cheeks as she nodded hesitantly. "She - she would want you to switch it off", she choked on her own words. The doctor handed her a tissue as he gave her a sympathetic look.

"I'm so sorry Miss Nicholson. I can take you so you can spend some time with her before we switch the ventilator off", he offered. Liv nodded before following the doctor out of the room and down the hallway. She entered to find her grandmother laid flat on her back in bed. Tubes and wires attached to her as Liv sat in the chair beside her bed. "I'll give you a moment", the doctor said before leaving her alone. Liv hesitantly took her grandmother's hand. It was still warm and her nails were perfectly manicured, as they always were. She wanted her to open her eyes. She wanted her to fight. Who would she turn to for advice? How would she carry on without the one person who had always been there for her and her daughter? She couldn't and didn't want to even imagine Maci growing up and going to high school and college and her grandmother not being there to see it. As she looked at her grandmother's sleeping face, Liv gave a large shaky sigh, biting her bottom lip as she tried to find the words to speak.

"I don't want you to go. But I know you'd be so pissed at me if I left you like this", Liv told her. "I can't thank you enough for everything you've ever done for me. And for Maci", she continued, her tears continuing to stream down her face as she sniffed. "She loves you so much grandma. We both do... I don't know what we would have done without you", she smiled to herself, remembering fondly how her grandmother had took her in when she had no one else. "I love you grandma. Say hi to mom for me, okay?", she sobbed, bringing her grandmother's hand to her mouth so that she could kiss it. The doctor soon returned, ready to turn off her ventilator. Liv sat by her side, still holding her hand as she slipped away. Liv hadn't felt this way since her mother had passed away, and she had always remembered that pain it like it was yesterday. It was an intense pain she was almost sure would never go away, but something she would eventually have to learn to live with.