Psychological Anatomy

Keira

CW: Sexual Assault, physical violence, flashbacks, underage. 

7th June 2017 I'm sat on William's bed with my back against the wall next to Keira with my legs resting on top of Will's. We've just been discussing Keira's abusive step-dad and how her boyfriend is in fact unofficially her foster brother. Also, turns out you can get to the age of 17 and not realise what the law of consent means, and legally speaking because your boyfriend is underage be technically guilty of rape... Oh well, at least now she knows. 

Will really needs to tidy up more, his dirty clothes are everywhere and it stinks. I really should have warned Keira about the state of his room before coming in here... 

What's Will actually doing on his phone? Keira is rambling on to me about some story about Mark, goodness knows what he's been up to now. 

"AHH oh shit noo, stop it!" For some reason Will thinks this is now the perfect time to start tickling me, Not my feet, Not my feet! Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Keira no don't you dare start. I've jumped off the bed and ran to the other side of the room, goodness. I really do hate him at times, he knows how ticklish I am. 

Will is my boyfriend, we've been dating 6 months now. Keira was introduced to me by my friend Amy, she brought her along to the college LGBT club that I run. Me and Will have our rooms on site at college as we're residential students due to living too far away to travel in each day. 

They've promised not to tickle me if I rejoin them on the bed. I'm dubious but they're both comfy so I'll risk it. Will's putting Fresh Prince of Bel Air on on his Ipad, good choice. 

We're 5 minutes in to the episode, Keira's getting oddly snuggly and Will keeps on giving me odd looks, I don't get whats getting on here. 

Wtf is Will doing, he's getting too handsy infront of Keira... what she's giggling? And joining in... okay... I mean she's flirty and all but flirting and grabbing my ass and boobs is a bit much. Eh, whatever, i just want to carry on watching the show. "Nooooo" I say to Keira. Will's just asked me what's up, "doesn't matter, just telling Keira thats a bit too far". She started to lift up my top and bra to cop a feel. That's too far for my liking. 

I've shaken them both off, now I'm in a sandwich between the two of them. How the fudge do three people fit on this bed? 

"YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TICKLE". THEY'RE BOTH TICKLING ME AGAIN. SHE'S FOUND MY FEEEEEEETT "NO NO NO NO".

...

She's lifted my top and bra, I've stopped screaming now. I can't scream, I've froze. Why is Will not intervening, can he not see this? 

I can't describe the shiver that has just run through me, but upon her making contact with the bare breast I've managed to unfreeze and jump off the bed. 

...

It's the afternoon now. I've not felt okay to go to my afternoon lectures so I've just been cocooned in the duvet by myself in Will's room for the rest of the day. He's finished his lecture and is back now for the rest of the afternoon. He's yelling at me, he doesn't understand why I won't hug him. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" He's grabbed me now and pulled me close for a hug, I'm squirming in his grip, he won't let go! "FUCK OFF!" 

"SHUT UP and stop fighting with me! I'm not going to let you go until you give me a hug"

He's yelling in my face, I can't do this I can't do this. He's not going to let go. OH GOD, HE SAW WHAT HAPPENED, HE'S GOING TO DO THE SAME, JESUS HELP. He's holding me that tight I can't breathe, my hearts going like the clappers, what does he want from me? 

He's let go for the moment. He's asking me to budge up so we can carry on watching fresh prince of Bel Air. I just want to go home. I want to be anywhere but here. With anyone but him (excluding Keira). I'd prefer the fucking Carters in this room than him right now. 

...

It's nearly been two years. I reported the incident with Keira to the college a week later, they did nothing about it. I stayed in a relationship with Will for nearly a year after this. I still get physical tremors if tickled or the right side of my chest is suddenly made contact with, even if its been made by other romantic partners I have since been with. Contact with Keira ceased from that day onwards, and I haven't seen or spoken to her for 22 months, although occasionally pictures of her will appear on my social media feed causing me to seize and have an anxiety attack. I still panic in supermarkets when i see a girl who looks like her, although this usually happens when i am already in an anxious state, like today when in Tesco. 

I am fully aware peoples experience of sexual assault have been worse, but I am also aware I was and am more traumatised by the fear I had that she could have gone further, and I would have been powerless to stop it and Will to naive to notice.