Psychological Anatomy

The Black-out

I'm walking to the bus station, I want to break up with him. 

I've just messaged Ellie saying how I'm going to break up with him tonight. It just came out of no-where, but I know I want to. I can't cope being with him, after everything we've been through, and not feeling comfortable and that connection with him when I saw him two weeks ago, I need to clean cut. We had an argument on Christmas Day for Christ sakes.

I'm boarding the bus, the driver knows me. I'll phone him now before I get home so my parents don't interrupt. 

Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up.

"Hello"

"Hiya"

... 

I'm leaning on my bed, my eyes full of tears and my face red raw. 

Someone's pounding at the door. I mean POUNDING.

It's next door

"You've woken up the Baby twice! All I can hear is your effing and jeffing. Pack it in or I'm calling the police!" 

"Sorry" 

...

My mum's in my room, she's angry. Jean phoned her. 

"I'm taking you to the doctors tomorrow, you need help". 

I cry myself to sleep. 

...

I still don't remember the majority of it to this day. I remember the first 10 minutes of the phone call on the bus, pacing the landing outside my bedroom crying, screaming down the phone for a short space of time, hyperventilating to the point of dizziness and vision loss and putting on my dressing gown to go answer the door to Jean.  

2 months later once I had settled down and my medication was making a difference with my anxiety and to quote the doctor "manic mood swings", Will told me what I had said. I had told him he was evil, called him every swear word under the sun, told him there was a special place in hell reserved for him next to the Carters. (My childhood bullies: twins)

I can't remember if I believe everything I said. There is no questioning he was a toxic arsehole, and did treat me wrong. I had tried to break up with him multiple times before then, but each and every time he swung it around so I didn't. 

I think this was me in the middle of desperation and mania making sure he could not swing it around, and that it would end in a breakup. 

Me clutching at straws ready to give one last attempt, or give up and give in completely.