Truth Untold.

1

Tendrils of smoke descended from my parted lips as my eye lids fluttered in satisfaction. The toxin that filled my lungs allowed me to feel at ease somehow, as if all things wrong in the world could be fixed with each drag of a cigarette. It would be foolish to kid myself into believing that, me out of all people, knew that things couldn't be fixed, nevermind by something so simple. I chuckled to myself as I flicked ash onto the ground, shaking my head at my own thoughts. I stared out in front of me, though there was nothing to see, it was so dark other than the soft illumination that the moon offered. My mind was empty, just as I liked it to be; when I thought I remembered the bad things. The cold wind whipped at my face, my cheeks reddening and my hair wild.

I rose from my position on the floor minutes later, flicking the cigarette butt into the grass before adjusting my bag on my shoulder and walking down the path. Dim lights from the bus stop greeted me as I walked through the gates of the park, and I headed towards them before taking a seat on the bench there. The streets were dead and only few cars seemed to pass me. It must have been late, but my phone died so I couldn't check. I knew I'd been out for a few hours but I couldn't go home yet, I didn't want to face the music. My chin dropped and a sigh fell from my lips as tears welled in my eyes. I couldn't believe he had done this, the expression on his face burned my eyelids every time I blinked. My body shook as I sobbed and my hands smacked at my head, pulling at the silver strands of hair that hung over my shoulders. "Fuck!" I screamed, hitting myself again, and again, and again. I couldn't stop, I was so angry at myself; why did I let this happen?

Angry tears rolled down my cheeks continuously until the bus came. The doors opened and I wiped under my eyes as as I stepped on board. No other passengers were sat down thankfully, no one to witness my sorrow. I took my seat and gazed out of the window. Streets passed in a flash, as did the thoughts that raced in my mind. In what felt like seconds, I was off the bus and walking toward my home. Police cars were still parked outside, the lights of my home the only ones on in the street. My expression was blank, eyes void of emotion. I walked through the door and the sound of muffled sobs and comforting words filled my ears, I didn't follow this sound that led to the living room, I avoided it. I walked straight on into the kitchen, taking a seat at the dining table. The empty seat opposite me mocked me as I stared at it. His seat was empty, and always would be from this point on. Taking my lip between my teeth,  I went into a trance, my mind entering an unfamiliar place of emptiness. This was soon interrupted by my father coming into the room. I made no acknowledgement of his presence, only choking on a sob. I felt his hand grip my shoulder and my head dropped. No words came to mind, and the same for him. We just stayed there for a moment, before he took the seat next to me.
"How are you holding up?" He asked, his voice broken and eyes sunken.
I made no reply, I was bewildered by his question. How did he think I was 'holding up'. It was such a casual question regarding something so tragic. His grieved expression only reminded me of...
"Did you know he was think-"
"No!" I cut him off, my head snapping to the side to look at him. Does he really think I'd let this happen if I knew? Does he really think I'd be sitting across from an empty chair if I knew? My gaze fell back to my hands that fiddled in my lap. "No I didn't know."

With that he nodded, and sighed. His hands covered his face and rubbed at his eyes, his wedding ring glinting in the dim kitchen light. "I'm sorry you had to see him like that." He said, his eyes filled with tears.
My eyes clamped shut as I choked down a sob, tears fighting to break through my closed eyes. His arms wrapped round my back and I welcomed his embrace. My hands fisted his t-shirt and he stroked my hair.

When we broke from our hold, my mother was hovering in the doorway, despair clear in her facial expression. She looked like a corpse, her lips suddenly cracked and eyes dark and wide, filled with an overwhelming balance of fear and tears.

"The police just left. They'll be back in the morning." She mumbled, still standing against the door frame. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, I felt guilty for some reason. The silence of the house was deafening. "I can't believe he did this." She started to cry, my father moving swiftly to her side to hold her. "Make the pain go away." She sobbed, choking on her own breath.

I looked down to the floor and tried to mask the anger that was growing inside me. Hold your tongue Scarlett. I told myself this repetitively, but with each exclamation of how much she was hurting I edged closer, and closer to the brink of eruption until I couldn't contain myself. My glare was sharp like glass when I finally had it in me to look at her; "What about him?" I snapped.

"Scarlett!" My father snarled, but the anger in his voice didn't match the pain in his eyes that pleaded me to keep quiet. My mother stared at me, eyes wide and mouth open.

"No." I dismissed him harshly, "What about Luke, huh? How much was he hurting? How much did he want the pain to go away?"

"You shut your mouth!" She finally responded, her voice shrill and body rigid in my father's arms. My blood was boiling, she was being so selfish.

"You couldn't know if you tried! You didn't see the expression on his face as he hung!" I screamed over the pleads of my father to leave, to shut up. "You didn't see him, never mind find him!"

"He was my son!" She cried, her hands hitting her chest.

"Only now he's gone! You didn't give a shit about him when he was here," I continued, stepping forward like a predator nearing its prey, "it's miraculous what guilt does! Your tears are only a performance to portray you actually care to the police!"

Shaking my father's arms from her frail body she stepped towards me, fists clenched. "What do I have to be guilty about?" Notably, she ignored my second statement.

"You made his life miserable! You were on his back all the time, you isolated him as much as you could and hated if me or dad" I signalled towards him and his posture sunk as if my words were physically hurting him, "would pay him any attention! You did this! You made him feel unworthy, unwanted!"

Tears rolled down her cheeks at a fast pace as the sound of panic began to rise in her voice "No I didn't, I loved him!"

"Maybe you should have shown it then! Maybe he'd still be here rather than in a body bag!" I didn't realise I was crying until I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks and hit my chest. I looked up at my dad briefly to find him with his hands covering his ears, eyes clenched shut and his own cheeks wet. That was when I shut my mouth, I saw what this was doing to him, at least he actually cared. That was evident from how his strong demeanour had been broken to look so fragile in this moment. My mother was staring at me with wild eyes, and I am sure my expression mirrored hers. We stood there for a moment before I found myself in front of my dad. "I can't stay here. I'm so sorry, I just can't. It will never be the same." I don't know if he heard me, his hands were still clamped over his ears, but he choked on a sob and shook his head as I ran up the stairs.

It took all my strength to ignore the open bedroom door opposite my own as I packed my belongings. Images of Luke flashed in my mind as I shoved most of my clothes into a duffle bag; the way the veins popped in his face, the reddish-purple tint to his skin. I even saw myself. Silently screaming, falling to my knees. I was alone when I found him, no one was home. I had to pull him down, and I was trying to wake him up. I called an ambulance then my dad, and I bolted. More tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought of this and I stopped momentarily, placing my hands on my knees to compose myself, but I couldn't stop seeing him in the doorway.

Minutes later I was out the door. I asked my father if I could take mom's car keys, he didn't look at me, he only nodded and gazed into nothing. I drove out my childhood street, bags of belongings on the back seat.  I drove straight for hours. I didn't know where I was going, but I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to forget everything that happened today, but I'll remember Luke. I will always remember Luke. I was going to make him proud and follow my dreams, as he always told me to...
New York. That's where he'd want me to be. So I drove towards Hector International Airport to chase my dreams in New York. North Dakota wasn't for me, and it will never be now that Luke isn't by my side.