Erikleen (Some one-shots)

Why, of anyone, her?

Colleen's POV:

Me and Erik. The constant images displaying in my mind are all of us together.  All these firsts that I thought would be my last firsts. First kiss, first dance, first 'I love you', first fight, first make-up. I didn't want more firsts, I didn't want to play the game of dating anymore. Yet, I screwed it up, because I always screw everything up. I guess I couldn't let myself be happy. I self-sabotage because if it is going to end inevitably it is better sooner than later because I can't let myself hurt that bad.

Maybe it is just the messed up way my brain works, but as soon as it is over, I want it back. As soon as I ruined it, I understand all ways I could've done better. 

So, maybe that is why it it has been 4 months and I am getting ready for his party thinking about all the ways I hurt him and all the ways he made me feel like I was bigger than the world in his eyes. I know the invitation was because he can't invite the whole cast and not me. That would seem harsh, and everybody knows, that is not Erik.

I feel even worse about myself as I look in the mirror trying to make myself look the best I can in spite of him. I feel like a selfish jerk, to say the least, but I can't help it.  I've never cared so much about someone after we broke up.

I pick up Rachel as we head to the party, because we all get a plus one and as you may have guessed I don't have a date to bring. As she sits in the car, I lock my doors again and start driving toward Erik's apartment.

"How have you been?" Rachel asks. Wanting to know how I feel about going to Erik's party, most likely.

"Tired, you?" I say back, obviously avoiding the real question.

"Fine, but you know what I mean. I can tell that this is bothering you, we know each other well enough for that. So what's been crossing your mind?"

"Welp, ok. So... I guess it's not a big deal but I just don't know why I care so much about him still. And it makes me so upset that I do. I want to still love him, I don't want to still think about him all the time. I can't help it, though. And I want to go to this party and see all the bad things about him because I need a reason not to love him. Yet, all I can think of are great things about him that make him irresistible. And I want him to be reminded of why I was so amazing and he lost someone so great, but I know that I wasn't a good partner. I don't know how to love someone the way he deserves to be loved. I just... I don't know" I ramble as if no one can hear me, but then I realize Rachel is still looking at me from the passenger's seat. Clearly very shocked, but trying to hide it. Like she said, we know each other very well, and I know she doesn't know how to respond to that at all.

"Are you sure you want to go tonight, we could just stay at my place, you know?"

"I know, but I promised Erik and I already let him down enough. Also, there are free drinks there and we both know I am cheap" I reply, convincing myself as much as her.

We arrive at his apartment shortly after that, and I get a rush of nerves just as I park the car. Instantly regretting my ever accepting his invitation. I bring my hand up to the keys thast are still in the ignition, but instead of turning them and bolting, I just take them out and open my car door.

Getting more nervous every step we take to his door I start nervously running my hands through my hair, knowing I probably look like a mess now. I knock on his door and a few short seconds later a small brunette woman opens the door. "Hey, you must be Colleen and Rachel, come one in", and I do just that. "I am Amelia, nice to have you here".

I nod and smile as if I have any clue who she is, and Rachel says after a few seconds of awkward silence "It was nice to be invited". She brings us over to the living room, with a couple of leather couches facing each other. A coffee table sits in between them with a few beers on coasters set upon it. Erik never used coasters before.