Here's Where We Get Off

Sick

Piper tossed her keys onto their designated spot on her entryway table, and scanned her apartment. It was empty; too empty.

This wasn't new for Piper at all. It always felt empty. Like something was missing, but too much was going on at the same time. Although her apartment was filled with momentos, with letters from Alex, old family photos, cute knick knacks from various small shops; it all felt so distant.

"Breathe." Piper reminded herself, heading for her living room window. She slid it open, letting in the sounds of the city. The noise could get to be too much, it got that way often, but she needed the comfort of knowing that she really wasn't alone. In fact, hundreds of people were around, separately going about their days.

She stuck her head out, peering around for a second, before finally taking a deep breath.

This was what got her. This was the hard part. This was the only reason she had agreed to go out with Zelda.

Being separated from Alex had been hard enough, away from the only person in the world that actually got her. What made it even more difficult was the fact that in a city full of 8.6 million people, she was virtually alone. Nobody had her back, nobody looked out for her. Outside of prison it was Piper against the world.

The woman tossed herself onto the couch, kicking her shoes off once she landed. The boots hit her side table, causing some half read books tumbling onto the floor. Her mind was far too cluttered to deal with that now, though, despite her constant need for order.

Piper pulled her weighted blanket from the basket beside her couch and curled up with it, hoping the pressure was enough to keep her grounded, to make her feel safe.

Truthfully, she was sick to her stomach. Torn between the loneliness, and guilt from trying to ease the pain of it.

Piper wanted nothing more in the world than for Alex to be sitting there beside her, running her fingers through her hair, telling her to take deep breaths. Her heart longed for her wife throughout most of her day, so much so that it distracted her at work.

The woman would be pulled from her thoughts by a frappuccino overflowing the cup, the cold pouring down her hands enough to bring her back to reality.

Alex was on her mind always, and the only person she wanted, or the only person she wanted to want anyway. Zelda was just there. A readily available option. Alex was on hold for four long years, and honestly, Piper wasn't sure if she could take it.

The quiet was all too much, especially after prison.

Piper pulled her phone from her pocket and took a deep breath, scrolling through old photos of her and Alex she had managed to find. Tears streamed down her cheeks, as she ran through the adventures they'd been on together in her mind, the moments and traumas they'd shared.

Piper's phone vibrated, pulling her from her nostalgia, a bar popping up at the top of the screen.

Zelda
Thanks for lunch, Pipes! Hope we can go out again soon.

The blonde nearly winced at the message, her eyes scanning back and forth from the photo of Alex to the message from Zelda.

Her heart was so made up, but why was her mind so torn?

A sick feeling formed in the pit of Piper's stomach as tears rolled down her cheeks. She was married. She'd been on a date with another woman. She'd promised Alex she would wait for her.

The blonde placed a hand over her mouth and ran for the bathroom, collapsing to her knees in front of the toilet. 

She dry heaved for a moment, tears pouring down her cheeks, before collapsing back into the wall. This was all getting to be too much for her.

Piper's phone sprang to life once again, vibrating against the tile floor. She was afraid to even pick it up, in fear it would be Zelda. Or worse, Alex.

As much as she needed her wife right now, the guilt she felt was far too intense to speak to her without cracking. She knew her wife would be incredibly hurt, Piper felt as though she'd betrayed her.

She wrapped her shaky fingers around her phone and took a deep breath, before flipping it over.

Fuck Piper thought, letting out a sigh of relief.

All that appeared across her lock screen was a text from her therapist, reminding her that she had a 3:30 appointment.

It couldn't have come at a better time. Piper needed to talk to someone other than herself for once.

She collected herself off of the floor, wiping the tears from her mascara stained cheeks.

___________________________________

Piper hopped onto the crowded subway car, nearly missing the entrance before the doors closed behind her. The evidence of her rough afternoon was smeared across her under eyes in the form of dark shadows and mascara trails. Her hair was tangled on top of her head in what could very loosely be described as a messy bun, matted blonde strands hanging outside of the elastic.

If she were anywhere else, people would have been concerned. This was the NYC subway system, and nobody cared about anything other than themselves and getting where they were going.

Thankful for that, the woman clung to the sticky metal pole, the only thing allowing her to remain upright in this moment. She wanted nothing more than to be curled up in bed, drowning her tears in a tub of ice cream and distracting herself with some slam poetry on youtube. Regardless, she knew that this was the better choice for her mental health, although the former could be very therapeutic as well.

Piper didn't care about many things in this moment, but also everything all at once. It was like she knew her mind was running a million miles a second but she had shut down so she didn't necessarily notice. She tried to silence her racing thoughts and focus on getting to her therapists office before she missed her appointment.

Her cluttered mind had completely blanked on the fact that she had an appointment today, although the reminder text had lifted a weight off of her shoulders. She needed this, and desperately at that.

Piper blanked until the subway came to a quick stop, sending her nearly flying into someone's lap. She jumped off the train at her stop, and pushed past the dozens of people trying to make their way up the staircase.

She needed this appointment more than anything.