E N J O Y Y O U R L I E | JIMIN FF

Ch. 1-Caught In A Lie...(flashback)

(flashback)
Y/N P. O. V.
Soon after I first met the boys(bts) it felt like I had known them forever, but loving Jimin was different... It felt like I had feelings for him the second I saw him. Was this irrational? Can you even fall in love with someone so quickly?...

I loved to listen to his voice... It didn't matter if he was singing or talking, I just needed to hear his voice. I loved when he laughed, and so I always tried so hard to make him laugh, hoping that his sadness would go away, at least for a little while Because no matter how sweet his smile was or how he could charm his way through everyone's heart, he was lying... to me, to his friends, to his fans, everyone....

Was he lying to himself, too? I had no idea... I just felt a sharp, knife-like pain in my chest every time I looked at him and saw how broken he was, how much he tried to become perfect, flawless, better looking, more talented, more confident... He was so strict and unfair to himself... I wished I could tell him how he didn't need to worry about not being perfect, because to me, he was more than perfect.
He was trying to raise me up all the while he was bringing himself down. I never understood why... Sometimes I almost believed him when he only said "I'm fine, noona, I really am." and then he kept practicing until he collapsed...

It hurt me so much to see him suffer, but I didn't know how to help him, or if he needed proper help, because he was so good at lying, keeping inside everything that bothered him, smiling as if everything was okay while in fact it was not...
I hoped I could convince him how great he already was and how he shouldn't have been this self conscious, constantly worrying about how he looked or if he wasn't good enough, because he was, he was more than good... He was perfect in my eyes... Sadly in his eyes he was only a mistake of the world...

When he smiled little by little his smile faded away and I was able to see his sadness... He changed...
I was only feeling bad when it came to him. I was their noona, I was fond of all of them, but somehow, for some reason, I was always more worried about him, because I loved him... And that's why I couldn't tell him how unstable he seemed through the whole concert every time...

I wished I knew how to reach him, how to erase his pain. He was clearly in a bad place, I just didn't know how bad it was, because his lies were just too convincing. Whenever he said "Im fine, noona, don't worry about me" or "I'lI just practice a little more" or "I'm not good yet I have to be better, I have to work harder" it felt as if he was telling me the truth... But under all his lies there was the painful truth, his struggles, his worsening condition....

Every time l looked at him, I got angry again, because here he was, this particularly adorable little creature, making my heart sink with every stupid lie he came up with and those never ending self doubts n his eyes...

One day after collapsing again he asked me "Noona, are you still mad?" as he put his hand on mine. He had such gentle, soft hands, I always smiled how cute and small they were. He looked at me, and I looked at him... I didn't pull away although being this close to him whilst holding hands made my heart ache more than usual. "I'm sorry if I made you upset, I didn't mean to." Then he hugged me but I pushed him gently.
I put on a serious face and I look in his eyes as I said "What do you think? Of course I'm mad! What did you think I was going to forget about how you keep torturing yourself hoping it'd help? Because it wont. Do you hear me, Jimin? It won't help you." My voice was loud and sharp, mean, even.
I hated to see how he flinched again, just like a couple of days ago when I yelled at him in frustration.
"Why do you feel like you have to change? Why do you have this constant need of pushing your limits? It's not healthy, and it doesn't make any sense. I know how you want to work harder and get better, and that's fine; but I don't understand why you have to keep on with this nonsense. Can't you already see it? Even just the idea of losing so much weight leads to fainting and feeling weak, or how you don't think that you're talented. What's wrong with you?"
Jimin wasn't looking in my eyes until now. "I-I just don't think that I'm doing okay..." He said, his voice trembling. Suddenly, his hand wasn't on mine anymore. "I want to get better..."

„The boys always tell you how good you are and how hard you work, don't they?"

"They do, but... this isn't about that. I just feel like I need to improve. But I'm fine, nothing's wrong with me."
I smiled bitterly. Lies, again... I hated how I always caught him in a lie....